WhiteCrowUK

2009-11-02T09:41:00.002Z

The Nazis had many victims, but Hermann Ratjen is one of the most bizarre.

With all eyes on the 1936 Berlin Olympics, it was important for the Nazis that Germany perform well. Not surprisingly where fair play wouldn’t work … they resorted to cheating.

Hence German male Hermann was made to compete as a “Dora” in the women’s athletics.

Looking at her picture, what’s shocking isn’t that she was discovered, but that it took until 1938 for her secret to be unearthed. Mind you this is Germany we’re talking about, and you don’t here the words “German Beauty Queen” bandied about too often.

It could also put an entire new spin on World War Two. With perhaps German men so keen to occupy France and surrounding countries in search of better looking women. And why they pulled out of Russia so messily.

The legacy of this and several other incidents was a physical gender identification test as part of athletics. Basically this involved women competitors being forced to submit to a gynaecological examination to confirm their gender. In the 1976 Montreal Olympics, all competitors had to have this done, with the exception of Princess Anne as she was Royalty, and might take offense at the proceedure. However have you seen Princess Anne? Haven’t you felt just a bit suspicious?

Meanwhile the examination was a humiliation that female athletes had to endure, until it was abandoned in the 1990s. One problem was some women can have partially developed male genitalia as a birth defect, and this automatically causes them to be banned from competition – such as Poles Ewa Kłobukowska and Stella Walsh.

Today there are some tests which can be performed along with the mandatory drug tests, but there is no black-and-white litmus test to say male/female with assurity.

But the accusation is easily made against successful athletes who perform well but are no great beauties. Hence there were once rumours Martina Navratilova was really a man, but no one has ever levelled this against Anna Kournikova.

So now step forward South African runner Caster Semenya, a runner who has performed well, but isn’t going to be getting a call any time soon from Hugh Hefner to front the next edition of Playboy. Speculation is rife – is Caster too good to be a woman? Hence they’ve been made to submit to a gender identity test International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) the results of which are yet to be published.

History has shown that athletes can’t be trusted, men have pretended to be women in the past, athletes have used all forms of steroids and thought they’d get aware with it. However should testing allow athletes to retain some dignity?

Time and tests have shown that indeed this individual has a body with male and female traits. Many areas of society have moved on to try and treat such individuals always as people first. Alas not so in sports it seems, where the issue of gender and questionable gender will always rear something ugly.

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Goths rejoice - blackest material ever created ...

2008-01-22T22:30:00.000Z

'Darkest ever' material created

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7190107.stm

The "darkest ever" substance known to science has been made in a US laboratory. The material was created from carbon nanotubes - sheets of carbon just one atom thick rolled up into cylinders. Researchers say it is the closest thing yet to the ideal black material, which absorbs light perfectly at all angles and over all wavelengths.

The article goes on to list all the potential uses for this material for revolutionise technology. But basically this is going to end up being utilised to make even blacker material for Goths to wear.

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Fashion disasters of Farnborough

2007-06-14T22:13:00.000+01:00

The Crow isn't generally known for his sartorial elegance, but he knows a fashion disaster when he seems one.

As the weather gets hotter so on the streets of the local town you have to wonder when looking at your fellow citizens “what were you thinking”.

One of the worst fashions of late has been the midriff. It’s one of those things which look good on a few people, the kind of size-zero uber young models like Kiera Knightley or Natalie Portman. Other than that, frankly you can be really one of the hottest women on the planet, and you’re still going to look like you’ve got a bit of a belly. A lot of people you see around town think they can pull off a midriff, but The Crow’s response is “good god no”.

The other fashion which has caught on is the backless dress, again very sexy if you can pull it off. And to be honest most women can.

The problem is my local town being as it is, you often see women going around with these backless dresses, however to complement it, they’re often wearing a normal bra, so the effect goes from,

To

Yes another “what were you thinking day”.

One day the Crow prays the fashion police will be allowed to be armed and shoot first …

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Channel 4 to show doctored Princess Di accident pictures ...

2007-06-06T21:51:00.000+01:00

Despite complaints about it being in poor taste from Prince "I dress up as an SS Officer" Harry, Channel 4 has today gone ahead with it's plan to screen a documentary showing pictures of Princess Dianas body being recovered from the Paris road crash.

The good news is in a nod to some good taste, Channel 4 has pixelated her face. The bad news is they farmed the work out to George Lucas and he just couldn't help himself ...

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George Lucas's Zapruder Special Edition

2007-06-04T22:37:00.000+01:00

After George Lucas's Star Wars Special Edition proved once and for all Greedo shot first, it's good to know his next film, Zapruder Special Edition will once and for all prove the lone gunman theory ...

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Phantom roadwork conspiracy ...

2007-02-02T23:40:00.000Z

Another motorway journey, another 10 miles of roadworks. Okay roads need to be maintained I understand this as I go through reducing my speed 50 miles an hour so I don't kill a workman.

But wait, it's 2pm on a Friday, there are cones galore. But where are the workmen? Or the heavy construction equipment. And come to think about it I've been here before midday and not seen anyone around.

These are roadworks but without any men-at-work, or the sign of a newly laid stretch of tarmac in sight. But there must be roadworks here because there are cones which haven't moved in six months. That MUST mean roadworks shouldn't it?

Well does it. An average 10 mile strip of roadworks, with cones on each side at 1 metre intervals needs 30,000 cones. But what if you don't have any roadworks going? I mean it costs money to store 30,000 cones, and why do that when you can leave them at the side of the motorway for free, and far away from any thieving students. Plus bung in a 50 m.p.h. speed limit and couple of speed cameras and you might even turn a profit.

So there you are - those phantom roadworks, no work actually in progress, just a public method of storing traffic cones!

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How music has changed

2007-01-26T23:54:00.000Z

The Crow recently celebrated his birthday!

In the way of such things of course, there were the obligatory lists about what I'd like - what do you get the man who had everything?

More music! I needed some for my MP3 player - and someone suggested to me as I liked early Genesis, why not try Steely Dan, which has a similar vibe.

As always there's a gulf between what the Crow wants and what he gets. So what I ended up with was an album of Steeleye Span. The difference being that this rather than 70s rock, is (oh the humanity) the Crow's first folk album.

But the really disturbing thing is I felt obliged to listen to it. And like a Straw Dogs violation, the more I listened the more I liked ...

However special merit must go to a song called "Lady Diamond". It's about the daughter of a Lord who falls in love with a servant. When her father finds out he has the boy hung, and the servants heart cut out and given to her.

I think it's safe to say "they don't make 'em like that any more"!!!

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Someone's out to get the Crow ...

2007-01-26T23:40:00.000Z

The Crow whenever possible likes to use his bike to commute to work whenever possible. He's like to think this was to save on the environment, however as usually he's forgotten his sandwiches, Mrs Crow causes the same amount of environmental damage following after him in her car.

It's a strange way to get from A to B, as mainly it involves takes your life into your own hands, particularly with the vast number of 4x4s out on the roads, all custom fitted to cause death an injury to any pedestrian or cyclist in it's path.

Today the Crows "meet your maker" moment came courtesy of a Mercedes sports car - don't ask me what type I'm an environmentally friendly biking hippie, ergo I don't know much about cars.

However what was unusual about this car heading towards my company was the registration,

A 5UGR

Surely only one person could own that personalised registration ...

"Get you next time Mr. Crow!"

Now seeing as the Crow's company makes software for airplanes, there is the frightening possibility that the airplane of tomorrow might be flown using cutting edge Amstrad technology ...

God help us all!

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Hippies on the beach ...

2007-01-23T16:12:00.000Z

Over the last week the cargo ship MSC Napoli ran aground.

Originally this story was about the ecological disaster of another oil spill on the shoreline of Brittain. However as the cargo from the ship has started to wash ashore, suddenly the story has changed to people "looting" the washed up cargo (including luxury goods) for themselves.

Usually when such a disaster happens, some do-gooding ecologically friendly hippies are first on hand to help clear the oil off the beaches and wildlife. But surely this would represent the ultimate temptation ...

"We've come to help revive the sea birds devestated by this ecological dis ... oooh is that a BMW K1200S Motorbike? F*** this, I've always wanted one."

"But Dave you hate motorcycles, they poison the ecosphere. We're suppose to shun materialistic possessions."

"P*** off, I'm out of here hippie freak."

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The Crow is getting old ...

2007-01-23T14:25:00.000Z

Last year the Crow took part in an interesting experiment ...

I used to love Rugby, and played it until I was 16. For some reason 20 years on I started to feel pangs that I'd never play again.

The solution? I joined a local rugby team of course, egged on by an old school comrade. And the first thing I noticed was how much more it seemed to hurt than when I was a teenager.

But with perserverance I got stronger, fitter and faster. Until one practise in November when the Crow tried to tackle a First Team player with dire results (my arm stayed with him, my body went elsewhere).

One dislocated shoulder later I was off to the local infirmary, where thanks to a heck of a lot of drugs and the healing touch of a lady I now know only as Doctor Kate, I was relocated with my shoulder and on the long road to recovery.

I remember Doctor Kate as being rather nice (artists impression below) but I was on more drugs than I'd ever been in my life, and even told my nurse they were lovely too - problem being my nurse was male!

The moral of the lesson, don't be a 35 year old trying to play a rough game with folks who are considerably faster, younger and fitter ...

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Are all Daleks created equal?

2007-01-23T14:17:00.000Z

I know there was a lot of controversy over whether Doctor Who should have a black Dalek in it's recent series.

In these days it's politically incorrect to associate the colour black with anything bad. Although in the case of the Dalek, being black means he's in charge, surely something positive.

However does the black Dalek come with any optional extras above and beyond that of a standard Dalek? Air conditioning? Kill fasta ray-gun? Extra leg room (or whatever they have for legs)? Temporal shift?

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Celebrity Cull Anyone?

2007-01-22T23:11:00.000Z

According to the Wikipedia, a cull is,

the process of selection of surplus animals from an animal population. In a wild population the selection is often done by destroying the animal immediately, in a domesticated situation the culling process involves selection and the selling of surplus stock. The selection may be done to improve breeding stock, for example for improved production of eggs or milk, or simply to control the group's population for the benefit of the environment and other species.

Alas as shows like Celebrity Big Brother show, we have far too many celebrities all trying to live off the same means of light entertainment, and it just won't support the number.

So the humane thing to do would be to replace fox hunting with a kind of ultimate reality. Something a bit like the Running Man with Z-list celebs.

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Celebrity Big Brother - Hello! Exclusive

2007-01-22T12:25:00.000Z

Following all the excitement of the current Celebrity Big Brother, Hello! magazine has claimed it's exclusive will be to have an A-Team reunion with Dirk Benidicts old pals ...

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Has the world gone too commercial?

2007-01-12T23:34:00.000Z

Money makes the world go around they say. Everything is money, money, money …

Which is why it really sickens the Crow to hear constantly about older kids in our school who bully younger ones for money.

Of course in my day, we all bullied younger kids for free!

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Toasters: a question

2007-01-12T23:23:00.000Z

Who really designs toasters? I mean they’re fairly simple devices a heating element, a pop up bit, and a dial which controls how much it cooks your bread for.

And it’s the dial which has my puzzled for years now. Usually they go from 1-8.

Level 1 will lightly toast bread.
Level 1.5 will produce nicely browned
Level 2 will burn it

So that’s levels 1-2 covered. So what the hell are the other 6 levels for?

If level 2 turns your bread into charcoal what kind of evil can be waiting out at level 8? I can only speculate my toaster was designed by someone who used to come up with weapons of mass destruction, and I deduce the remaining levels work something like this.

Level 3 bread goes on fire.
Level 4 burns down house
Level 6 the temperature and pressure causes the carbon in the bread to fuse together forming hard diamonds.
Level 8, the nuclei of the bread atoms are superheated, and fly apart annihilating matter, and causing a nuclear explosion.

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Whoops - subliminal messages from the BBC?

2007-01-02T00:33:00.000Z

Monday was of course the start of the New Year 2007.

The Crow family were all watching it begin on BBC 1, with accompanying scenes of fireworks from the London Eye and along the Thames.

"Let this spectacular scene inspire you in the New Year" went the commentary just as the camera pulled back to show the Houses of Parliament engulfed in explosions ...

Keep an eye out for Guy Fawkes this year then!

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Oh the irony!

2006-11-08T23:02:00.000Z

The Crow is in big trouble on one of his forums this week.

There was a group on one of the boards telling other watchers of a particular show what they should do (the polite version of this was "go away"). Incensed by this I commented on the disturbing Nazi mentality that seemed to be building.

Ooops - seems acting like a bully is one thing, calling them a Nazi is a crime of a different colour. I received a warning from a moderator, for which I apologised in a private mail, and on the public board vowed not to use the phrase again.

However at the dead of night, the moderator decided to keep me quiet by coming back, banning my account and effectively causing me to dissapear. Which of course is not at all like a Nazi is it?

Well to be fair it isn't, as removing someone and erasing their past is kind of more Stalinist than Nazi, but that kind of talk isn't going to help my appeal with the head moderator!

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Crocodile Hunter killed by Stingray

2006-09-04T21:49:00.000+01:00

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter died today due to a stingray attack.

It used to be there would be a week before the sick jokes would start. But thanks to the internet it's all been speeded up ...

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/User:Col.swordman/UnNews:Crikey%21_A_Nation_in_Mourning

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One of our planets is missing …

2006-08-26T01:34:00.000+01:00

Last week we had 9 planets, this week we’re down to only 8!

Not meaning to be an alarmist - but my telescope picked this up heading our way …

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Stop Press: Big Brother Pete to meet Queen

2006-08-21T22:35:00.000+01:00

STOP PRESS: Big Brother winner Pete Bennett-Stephenson is to be awarded an OBE for his efforts in raising public awareness of Tourettes syndrome ...

I'm sure Pete and Prince Phil will find they have a lot of common ground.

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The nightmare is over ... for now ...

2006-08-18T23:23:00.000+01:00

At last! Big Brother 7 is over!

Tourettes Syndrome sufferer Pete was this year's winner. Now perhaps the Crow can get Mrs Crow's attention once again for an hour a day. Although I fear she has been taking notes from Big Brother's vacuous and spoiled model Nikki ...

Oh my God, it's so unfair! I'm a really annoying woman with a tenuous reason to be famous, get Max Clifford as my publicist right now!

However people are already asking will it be back for an 8th series? Let's face it when TV bosses are still clamouring to put new episodes of Last of the Summer Wine together, despite the fact that half the cast are dead, you just know they'll be flogging the dead horse which will be Big Brother 8 in 2007.

As Pete would say, "wankers" ...

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YouTube: George Lucas in Love

2006-08-18T23:13:00.000+01:00

A brilliant skit on Shakespeare in Love from YouTube.

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As mistakes go …

2006-08-17T22:11:00.000+01:00

This probably has to be one of the worst since Neville Chamberlain promised “peace in our time” ...

In 2002, to celebrate the contribution of black actor James Earl Jones (most famous for providing the voice of Darth Vader) towards civil rights, he was presented with a plaque.

However the name on the plaque was not his, but due to a typographical error, it read as "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive".

James Earl Ray was the man responsible for assassinating Martin Luther King in 1968. As mistakes go, it’s hard to think of a worst one!

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Worst ... exam ... ever ...

2006-08-17T21:17:00.000+01:00

With A-Level results out today and showing massive pass rates once again (see here), it's a good time for the Crow to reflect on his biggest mistake in an exam.

General Studies A-level 1989, the essay question was to discuss "the evolution of western film".

Being a bit of a film buff, the Crow tore into this subject, providing details of how Cowboy and Indian films had changed since the days of silent movies. Initially the films had been about the opportunity the new frontier had offered.

However as history had been more reflective, the era was looked at less romantically, and so the beautifully shot Westerns of John Ford had given way to the Sergio Leone era of showing a much more bloody and brutal way of life.

Discussing this with fellow students after the exam, they were gobsmacked. See the question asked about "western movies" (lower case) as in movies from the western world (ie American and British films), not "Western movies" (upper case) as in movies about the Wild West. Ooops!

I still managed a "C" grade in this thankfully!

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Official advice to A-level students ...

2006-08-16T22:46:00.000+01:00

You just cannot make up stuff like this ...

Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/education/4797759.stm

An English exam board has removed a cartoon "hangman's noose" from an online A-level results page following a complaint from an anti-suicide charity.

Edexcel had featured the doodle - supposedly drawn by someone playing the word game hangman - on a trial version of a page, being used by 200 students.

But the charity Papyrus warned that this was an "unfortunate oversight" at a time of high stress.

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YouTube: Cyber Camelot

2006-08-16T22:18:00.000+01:00

The guys at Monty Python would be proud ...

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YouTube: The Dalek Emperor

2006-08-16T22:14:00.000+01:00

You might have failed to notice that I have been a big fan of the recent rework of Doctor Who this is one of several entries I've so far found on YouTube.

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The joy of YouTube

2006-08-16T22:11:00.000+01:00

What a great place YouTube really is, so I've decided to pick out some of my favourites I've found in the last few week ...

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Squirrel put your records on ...

2006-07-10T21:59:00.000+01:00

Go nuts for DJ Squirrel!

Could this be the smash follow up to "Girl Put Your Records On"?

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Doctor Who series finale trends?

2006-07-08T23:16:00.000+01:00

The end of Doctor Who season one - Daleks invade future Earth.

The end of Doctor Who season one - Daleks invade the present.

The end of Doctor Who season three - Daleks invade the past?

Coming soon - a BBC costume drama first, Jayne Austin's Dalek Invasion of Earth 1805 ...

[Expect a scene with Mr Darcy coming out of the lake with a ray gun, and popping off a surprised Dalek nearby]

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Does the Secret Service get twitchy when the Blairs meet the Bushes?

2006-07-02T22:28:00.000+01:00

Here’s an interesting thing I found out about Cherie Blair from the Wikipedia,

Cherie is a relative of the American actor John Wilkes Booth who assassinated Abraham Lincoln.

I bet the Secret Service hasn't tipped off George W about this though …

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Somme like it hot ...

2006-07-02T21:51:00.000+01:00

This weekend of course saw the 90th anniversary of the Battle of the Somme, a day which lives in infamy as a disaster for the British armed forces.

The battle plan formed by Generals like Douglas Haig involved an initial artillery barrage of the enemy line. Following this, British troops were made to walk towards enemy fortifications across No Mans Land, only to find themselves exposed to German machine gun fire.

The real controversy is the first such wave of men who were sent over were almost completely wiped out. And yet commanders kept to the battle plan, and sent over wave after wave, in the hope the tactic (which remained largely on the element of surprise [which was lost] and the effectiveness of the previour artillery barrage [which hadn't worked and had now stopped]) would eventually work. Over the period of one day 20,000 British troops lost their lives.

So what was the reaction of British commanders? Well send over more men of course in the hope it’d work this time. What were Generals like Haig hoping for? The enemy to eventually run out of ammunition?

An article on from the BBC this week suggests perhaps history has been unfair to Douglas Haig, but the Crow passionately believes as overall commander, it’s Haig and men like him who should be remembered in infamy for the way they frittered away the lives under their command. The military is all about obedience to senior officers, but it also should contain a duty of care from senior officers towards those under their command.

As his troops in the squalid conditions of the front line trenches went “over the top” to face certain death that day, Haig was stationed in a luxury Chateau miles from the trenches.

The Crow can almost imagine his diary entry that day …

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st July 1916

An absolute disaster of a day! One’s staff tried to pass off an 1899 vintage to us as an 1889 one. Shocking. Of course we had the man responsible court martialed and shot as a traitor to the crown.

Things haven’t been going so well on the Somme either. We spent months drawing up the perfect battle plan and have been let down by the lower ranks again. Why can’t they just stick to the plan, walk over No Mans Land avoiding the machine gun fire, skip over the barbed wire, storm the trenches by catching Jerry with his pants down and win this war. They just aren’t trying hard enough. Am seriously thinking of having all the survivors shot for cowardice, but am told it would be unsporting.

Still the day wasn’t a total waste, one’s new man has found an excellent brandy to finish off on this evening. Superb.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Crow thinks there is an extreme danger when the people running any war live in luxury and ignorance of those fighting a war. Back in 2003, Cherie Blair admitted in an interview about how hard it was to for oldest son Euan to leave home for University in Bristol (to a luxury flat which was controversially bought). Meanwhile husband Tony was sending out soldiers Euans age to the Iraq front line. Oh the irony!

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Send lads mags to the top shelf? Another MP's in need of some publicity!

2006-06-27T23:42:00.000+01:00

From the BBC News today,

Sexually explicit "lads mags" should be banished to the top shelf by law, a Labour MP has told the Commons.

Claire Curtis-Thomas wants an independent regulator to restrict the display of such magazines in a bid to stop children from buying them.

She says some of the publications are "repulsive" and "degrading to women".

So just who is this Claire Curtis-Thomas, MP for Crosby?

Well thankfully the Crow has found a wonderful new website called They Work For You – which tells you how active your MP is and how they vote on key issues.

So looking up this Ms. Curtis-Thomas here, we find that she is a bit of a Blairite through and through, voting for some of his favourite pet causes, but there is an even more disturbing pattern to her voting on closer inspection …

http://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/claire_curtis-thomas/crosby

Claire Curtis-Thomas, MP for Crosby has voted,

Moderately for equal gay rights.
Quite strongly for introducing foundation hospitals.
Quite strongly for introducing student top-up fees.
Very strongly for Labour's anti-terrorism laws.
Very strongly for the Iraq war.

So lets put this all together shall we?

she doesn’t think young people should be able to buy lads mags (because there may be nudity in it)
she isn’t really terribly keen on young people being able to freely choose their sexuality
and she thinks if young people want to study, they should be made to pay through the nose for it (although she seems to have made full use of free education, ironically under a Conservative government)

However she does seem to think the best thing a young person can do is be sent to the front line in Iraq and be killed in the peacekeeping duties there. Bravo!

It’s also interesting to note she has also recorded some of the highest expenses of any MP – no doubt trying to drum up support for these petty issues. I suspect she’ll continue to do so until Mr Blair notices how vocal and loyal she is and gives her a nice little Cabinet position …

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Army of Goats: theory

2006-06-27T21:25:00.000+01:00

The horned beast will unleash his Army of Goats to make war with God ...

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Men are from Mondas: Women are from Skaro ...

2006-06-27T18:11:00.000+01:00

Let's examine these two archetypes of behaviour ...

The Cyberman

Logic is all – the Cyberman claims that he feels nothing. But this isn’t strictly true, they are just very inhibited. Should they ever lose that inhibition, the sudden rush of emotion can be enough to explode their head.

When faced with a difference of opinion, the Cyberman will try to convert others to their side “you will be like us” being their common chant.

The Dalek

The Dalek is capable of acts of creativity and ingenuity, able to develop to meet any need. However it’s not all smooth sailing, and when things do not work out, the Dalek is liable to rant, scream and fire shots in all directions.

When faced with a difference of opinion, the Dalek will assert themselves over others views claiming “the Daleks are the supreme beings … I cannot acknowledge that any creature is superior to us … EXTERMINATE!”.

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At home with the Tylers: Doctor Who season finale …

2006-06-26T23:16:00.000+01:00

Exclusive details have come through regarding how the current series of Doctor Who will end, and how story lines will be picked up in a future spin-off series.

In the final episode, Doomsday, the Cybermen return from their alternate version of Earth, including Rose’s dad Pete who has now been turned into a new Cyberman, eager for promotion to Cyber Leader.

Rose is distraught at this news, and runs home to visit mum Jackie. But alas the Daleks have attacked the Powell estate, and Jackie Tyler has been converted to a Dalek.

However true love finds a way, with Cyberman Pete and Dalek Jackie moving in together and picking up a very different married life.

ITV have confirmed they will pick up the new series “Men are from Mondas: Women are from Skaro” in Spring 2007, which will follow the form of popular sitcom George and Mildred.

Dalek Jackie: The lift’s out again – oh those stairs are murder. Wait a minute has the Cyber Controller been around?

Cyberman Pete: Don’t know what your problem is – your dad is always coming over.

Dalek Jackie: Papa Davros has to come a long way to be here, and at least goes home. He’s had a hard time, and sometimes he just needs a little rant to get it off his chest. Do I have to remind you of your friend who went off the sleep in the freezer?

Dalek Jackie: Now where’s last night episode of Eastenders. Pete – what did you do to the video tape?

Cyberman Pete: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Dalek Jackie: Well that’s it Peter Tyler. You are an inferior being. Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.

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Barnett: something you don't hear much about ...

2006-06-26T22:06:00.000+01:00

Amongst all the calls for how Scotland deserves to be more independant (calls mainly made by Scots who live in England), there rarely seems mentioned the subject of the Barnett subsidy.

Indeed the Crow himself never heard of it until last week. It is a subsidy which equates to an extra £1500 per head to Scotland, which is supported financially by English taxpayers.

"Freedom" indeed ...

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Scottish ill feeling? Moi?

2006-06-26T21:42:00.000+01:00

So what’s with all the Crow’s anti-Scottish sentiment then, you might be asking? Well nothing really, its just a bit of a nervous tick I’ve got going back to 1995.

You see in September 1995, I went for an interview in St Andrews University, and so took the opportunity to stay with some Scottish friends from the internet “Meister” and “Rickster” I’d met through Babylon 5 circles.

Anyway, being their (very English) guest, and awfully polite when they suggested we all go out that night to the local Kilmarnock cinema, I said “sure why not”.

So what did we go to see? Well what film do two die hard Scottish nationalist take their English friend to see but Mel Gibson’s Braveheart.

I’ve never so hated a movie in my life – I’ve rewatched it since, and it isn’t that bad. But the film depicts all the English as evil and scheming, and going around killing them to be the best thing a Scot can do.

I felt a little like an African American being taken by some friends to a party, to find out it’s a Klu Klux Klan fundraiser.

I mean the film is LONG at 3 hours, and the looks of hate I got for just going to the loo part way through.

It’s the only film I’ve seen which received a standing ovation at the end.

On the way back a fellow member of the audience, high off the film came up to me mistaking me for a fellow Scot “hey what about that film, didn’t we just show those English bastards hey?”.

Fortunately being a bit of an actor I can occasionally pull something out of the bag. “Aye” I managed to reply in a slightly wet Take the High Road brogue, make tracks with great speed out of there …

"There's an Englishman in this theatre - get him!"

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Scots living in England should face new Tebbit law ...

2006-06-22T21:53:00.000+01:00

The Crow has had quite a few Scottish friends who have told him at length over the years about what a great place Scotland is, and how it’s the best place in the World to live.

The Crow’s usual line of enquiry tends to be “so … why do you live in Hemel Hempstead then?”.

It seems no-one loves Scotland more than the Scot who no longer lives there. Even Scottish Nationalist Party front man and campaigner Sean Connery only became involved in the cause after relocating to Spain.

The fact is there are a lot of Scots who come over to England, buy an English home, take an English job, send their children to an English school, and yet still consider themselves Scottish.

Norman Tebbit put forward the suggestion for a "Tebbit test" for such economic migrants to England. In it, migrants to England would have to prove their dedication to their new country to be allowed to continue to live here.

The Crow would like to go one further on this idea, sending the Security Services around to the houses of Scottish citizens living in England,

all forms of Tartan would be removed and burned outside
Scottish football flags replaced by English ones
bagpipes would be rendered safe in a controlled explosion by specially trained officers
Bay City Rollers CDs would be made unplayable by judicious application of a blowtorch
should any copy of Braveheart be found on the premises, the owners will be instantly guilty of treason and sedition against the English government, and taken outside to be shot

The Scotland football strip would be acceptable in Glasgow, Edinburgh and Aberdeen

Try wearing the same kit South of Greta Green, and the strip will be stripped by the Police under new powers …

Yes, Norman would be proud …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Scot supports England: Did hell freeze over?

2006-06-21T20:36:00.000+01:00

"C'mon you Swedes ..."

From today’s BBC website ...

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A spat has erupted between rivals David Cameron and Gordon Brown over their seats at England's football World Cup clash with Sweden.

The Tory leader's aides said Mr Cameron was in the stands with the fans while Mr Brown was in a box as a guest of the German government.

A source close to the chancellor angrily denied the claim.

They branded Mr Cameron a "Johnny Come Lately" football fan who got a ticket from his "corporate friends".

------------------------------------------------------

The news for me isn’t really this latest posturing from the New Labour future leader and the Conservatives current leader.

No. It’s one far more odd. You see Mr Brown is Scottish, and the Scots have a complicated relationship when it comes to England in the World Cup.

As a (Scottish) friend of the Crow’s once put it – “it’s not so much that we want to see Scotland win, as much as England lose”. You can read all about the history of this football rivalry here.

And indeed during the last World Cup, there was an uproar after a leading member of the Scottish National Party urged his fellow countrymen to forget the ancient rivalry and support England in the World Cup.

So can we really expect in the light of this deep-rooted animosity that Mr Brown was there and cheering on the English side over the Swedish one? Can you trust a politician? Does a leopard change its spots?

In a darker turn to this there was this story, it seems several people were attacked in Scotland for wearing England football shirts. It seems in a multi-cultural country like England you can wear the football shirt of any country and not fear reprisals – not so in Scotland.

For posterity of course – the final result was a draw with England 2: Sweden 2 (more here). We’ve had a good run through this group winning every game so far, so this drawn result against Sweden was us finally facing our Waterloo …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Interview psychometric tests ...

2006-06-16T23:03:00.000+01:00

Possibly the part of any interview that make the Crow squirm the most are psychometric tests.

These batteries of tests are designed to reveal your inner character and suitability for a position. Personally I feel they are on a par with those you get on the back page of Cosmopolitan, and just exist as another hurdle between you and a potential job.

Here is an example of one such question the Crow was asked once, and his reply …

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QUESTION

You are in charge of a drawbridge and you bring your son to work one day.

You hear a horn and looking out you see there is a passenger ship with about 200 people on it heading towards the bridge.

You have to raise the bridge, but you notice your son is playing in the cogs.

Would you pull the switch and save those people, killing your son?

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ANSWER

In my understanding, the normal way drawbridges operate is that the ship requests the bridge to open, by either radio or signalling somehow. But the ship has to “give way” to the bridge, meaning it has to slow down and wait for the bridge to raise when it’s ready. The ship can request the bridge be raised, but it only should be raised when the bridge is safe to do so.

The Captain of the ship's primary care is his ship and those onboard. As operator of the bridge, my primary duty of care is to the bridge and the people using. It’s important to state this to make clear that those people on the ship should not be my primary concern, even in such an emergency.

I cannot be expected to raise the bridge at a moment’s notice, and indeed most bridges cannot raise at any kind of great speed – the reason why ships need to wait for them to be raised.

In addition - there may well still be people on the bridge who I am dooming (not just my son) by panicking and opening the bridge before I’ve assessed the situation.

It should be noted, if the ship is so out of control then in all likelihood my opening the bridge will just move it's problems elsewhere, crashing into another ship (killing two lots of 200 people) or into a bank.

Finally, the drawbridge relies on its operation on its gears. Those gears are required to be kept free of obstructions to operate correctly. If I operate the bridge, I will kill my son, but there is no certainty the gears will not jam and fail to operate.

From my point of view for safety's sake I should

first get a co-worker to remove my son from the gears, with them so unobstructed I can be sure they will operate as expected. If need be I will do this myself.
I need to then be sure no-one else is on the bridge, it again, for safeties sake, must be clear, or else I cannot be sure it will even raise properly - if there are several lorries on it, the bridge might be above the maximum load at which the bridge can raise.
I would at all times try and flag down the ship to make them aware of the bridges status.
I would then try and only then raise the bridge.

The bottom line though is that,

the ship captain is grossly at fault for not keeping a safe speed on approach of a bridge (an immobile object), ensuring bridge status and keeping control of his vessel.
the bridge company is at fault for not safely enclosing the gear structure to prevent access to people and foreign objects - its' easily sabotaged!
I am at fault for bringing my son to work and not taking due care an attention to him.

But my primary duty is the bridge and it's customers/users.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At this point the interviewer (someone from Human Resources) squirmed a little and say “yes, well … a good answer but I’ve got two boxes here, 'Yes' and 'No' ...”.

There you go – the future of this countries employment – just don’t think outside the (tick) boxes …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The Wisdom of Life

2006-06-15T21:59:00.000+01:00

In 1996, the Crow was so inspired by the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, that he decided to make his own set of rules for life based around his own personal philosophy and experience.

Known as “the Wisdom of Life”, the rules are sometimes funny, often serious and occasionally dark, and are presented here in completeness for the first time …

1. Nothing of steel is made without fire, and the trials of life are the flames from which we draw strength. [Personal motto]

2. Life is like riding a wild horse - sometimes you think you’re leading the horse, but really the horse’s leading you.

3. Fate - its not what you take, it’s what you make.

4. Life is the assault course of the soul.

5. Discipline is doing what you know to be right over what you feel to be right.

6. Great men hold truth and loyalty above all else, yet will never know peace because of it.

7. The man who claims to know his own mind is the greatest of fools.

8. Money is the drug of society, and we can never get enough to satisfy our ‘fix’.

9. Tears are the juice which flows from the fruit of our humanity.

10. Words can be flowery, but actions are the root of a person.

11. A brave man can embrace his fear, but only a fool knows no fear.

12. The shackles of fear are the heaviest of all.

13. Life is chance, and as long as we have a chance we have hope.

14. True love can never be damaged by the truth.

15. Sometimes hate is just twisted love.

16. A man against the world has allies he doesn’t yet know.

17. Love is when someone else’s happiness is more important than your own.

18. Despair is the greatest killer of all.

19. We cannot change the past, we can only learn from it.

20. Sometimes it seems easier to forget than to forgive.

21. Compassion in the world can be an oasis in the desert.

22. In the pit of despair, you have to clamber to get out.

23. Eccentricity can be a buffer against the madness of the world.

24. Today is the legacy of tomorrow.

25. Even a pawn can bring down a King.

26. Sometimes true qualities can only shine during adversity.

27. Listening does not mean being silent.

28. There is no place to hide from yourself.

29. Joy is better when shared.

30. A friend is the crutch that supports you when you cannot walk alone.

31. Responsibility wears a sombre face.

32. Everyone is wrong sometimes.

33. Guilt is only felt by those with conscience.

34. Desire is the path to insanity.

35. Sometimes words alone cannot heal the hurt inside.

36. Reality can sometimes be surreal in its nature.

37. Respect must be earned, not blindly given.

38. Sometimes we can find strength we don’t know we have.

39. We can live life as a predator, or its prey.

40. Sometimes the enemy within is greater than the enemy outside.

41. In every crisis lurks a hidden opportunity.

42. Laughter can make friends of enemies and enemies of friends.

43. Courage can be contagious.

44. The improbable frequently occurs.

45. Sometimes even the benevolent try to make slaves of us.

46. Our youth is a playground of mistakes.

47. What truth can you believe if you lie even to yourself?

48. Better to have success from failure than failure from success.

49. Love is giving without counting the cost.

50. The easy way up may not be so easy coming down.

51. Justice is the dream which gives us nightmares.

52. Fear keeps us alive, but stops us from living.

53. Never trust a man who smiles more than he should.

54. I am not good corrupted by evil, nor evil redeemed by good. I AM good and I AM evil, locked in perpetual conflict.

55. I am not good, neither am I evil ... but I am conflict.

56. I am the darkest fiend you will call friend.

57. There are 4 billion free spirited people in the world - conflict is inevitable.

58. Life is decay - death is inevitable.

59. The seas are unfathomable - fish is inevitable.

60. Transparency is deceptive - the Sun is black.

61. We hide behind masks even we don’t know we wear.

62. We are each a thousand people with a thousand voices and a thousand dreams.

63. We are all dreamers. And dreamers don’t live in the real world.

64. Desire is a mirage of deception.

65. Hope is the greatest weapon.

66. Time furnishes justice for all.

67. Life is descent - and we haven’t hit rock bottom yet!

68. Looking in your heart is like looking in a mirror - its easy to forget that the truth gets flipped around.

69. I am tomorrow's statistic.

70. A thrown egg never flies.

71. Death relishes whittling the healthy.

72. Never trust a bald barber.

73. Reality blurs where women are present.

74. THEY exist to challenge the concept that descent is inevitable and eternal, and to some THEY are called angels.

75. Evil is seductive, good is terrifying.

76. Patriotism is the slaughterhouse to which we run.

77. Behind the mask of patriotism can lie a monster.

78. I am the axis upon which the world turns.

79. All the world’s a morgue, and men and women merely bodies lining up.

80. The ticking of a clock is the shearing of each second of your life.

81. When democracy fails, we turn to dictators to clear up the mess.

82. Society decrees that reality is defined by group consensus, not hard fact.

83. The first rule of Government is to maintain order.

84. Nothing of value comes cheap.

85. The fantasies of our mind shape our perception of reality.

86. With the passing of each second we are hurled inexorably from the static, settled world of perceived reality and into the realm of the incredible.

87. The mind is the forge of all things.

88. The quest for justice awakes something terrible inside us.

89. Emotions are volatile - the more we suppress them, the greatest the devastation when released.

90. Society exists at the expense of the individual.

91. There is no injustice in a world where might is right.

92. Empires can only be forged by ruthless societies.

93. We must all stand before the eye of eternity and be reckoned.

94. Even in this technological age, bows and arrows still kill.

95. Life is a game, and no-one knows the rules.

96. Nothing ever happens without a reason.

97. One man’s treason is another man’s patriotism.

98. Forbidden fruit is the most tantalizing.

99. We revel in the success of friends - but too much can leave an acrid taste.

100. Fame is the lens which distorts us into larger, grotesque figures.

101. Successful people can claim to be more intelligent than they are, but intelligent people cannot claim to be more successful than they are.

102. Sex is the fleeting moment to which we steer the bulk of our lives.

103. Ambition motivates, desire cripples.

104. The glass may be half full - but is it safe to drink?

105. Torment in inevitable - we can either break our lives to pursue our aspirations, or be haunted by unfulfilled desires.

106. We only notice the good things in life when they are gone.

107. Only in a drunken stupor does life make sense.

108. We can destroy out of hate what we cannot rebuild out of love.

109. Life is impossible - any afterlife will be bizarre still.

110. Society controls us in many subtle ways.

111. The unholy will use religion to cover the most terrible of acts.

112. Time makes great things meek.

113. An empty box may look good, but may not be what we are after.

114. Women never seem to notice anything - but they always remember.

115. I am descent - the journey which in the end will break you.

116. Unrequited love destroys us from within.

117. Love can be more terrible than hate.

118. Emotion can be a road to ruin.

119. We are all the same person shaped differently by chance events.

120. Science can explain many things - and yet they may still feel miraculous.

121. Our understanding of the past is coloured by the prejudice of today.

122. Life is like a ship alone on the ocean, sailing ever on towards an empty horizon.

123. Life is a dynamic equilibrium between the forces of decay and the forces of renewal. Decay is generated by the forces of nature, and is constant and timeless. But renewal comes from within, and though it must eventually falter, for today it is enough.

124. The man who put the cherry on the icing did not necessarily bake the cake.

125. The primary goal of anyone in power is to stay there ...

126. The intelligence used to understand a thing reflects the intelligence which must have been used to create it. Therefore, if an object requires an application of intelligence to understand, it follows it required an application of intelligence to create ...

127. Who really has the courage to speak the truth, and who has the courage to hear it?

128. The only rights the weak have are those the strong allow them...

129. “Time is money” is a phrase only used by managers and prostitutes ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

We don’t need no … air conditioning …

2006-06-14T21:53:00.000+01:00

Another Summer, another heatwave …

Currently in the UK, workers are protected from working in environments of extreme cold, but not extreme heat – see article here.

And at my previous employer (and countless others) didn’t this lack of protection for workers just show! The building supposedly had an air conditioning system – hard to believe when in Winter the office temperature was just under 30 degrees Centigrade.

In Summer it would reach 35 degrees. No laughing matter when the company insists that because you have an air conditioner (although it didn’t matter that it didn't seem to do anything), employees are not allowed to open windows in an attempt to ventilate their office space.

To be doubly sure of this, they made sure all windows were locked and bolted – not out of spite you understand, but out of concern for our wellbeing.

In the Summer of 2003, we had the hottest summer on record, and as expected, office temperatures started to exceed 35 degrees.

“Don’t panic” said the management, “there’s nothing wrong, the air conditioning is functioning”, was the line we got from our managers.

The only highlight of this period was that a few of us had managed to persuade Kim, the departmental babe, to dress down for the heat …

On and on the saga went for over two weeks of increased office illness, lethargy and dehydration - it getting so bad that I would constantly hear the theme tune to Lawrence of Arabia constantly in my head whilst I was at my desk, and ended up shooting a man dead at in argument at a water cooler, "This is a Bedouin well, and you'd do well to remember that".

Then came the day management sprang into action. A report came from the server room that the companies central computers temperature was nearing 40 degrees. This was above the threshold for these machines, and so they’d have to be switched off immediately – meaning the work in the building would have to be stopped.

An emergency repair technician was called in, and the air conditioning was functioning again within 24 hours!!!

So it’s interesting to note than unlimited human suffering and misery means less to managers than a computers warranty being invalidated.

And this from a company who claimed to be “employer of choice”, who claimed “our greatest resource is our employees” – a worrying statement when you work in Soylent House …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Doctor Who: What's the worst that can happen?

2006-06-13T23:52:00.000+01:00

ROSE: Doctor - the Tardis just turned into a giant soda can!

THE DOCTOR: The chameleon circuit must be malfunctioning again. Still what's the worst that can happen?

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Where has the Crow been?

2006-06-13T21:43:00.000+01:00

The Crow has been a busy man. He finally decided it was time to “get online” with his Playstation 2. And so the Crow came across this page on the Sony site telling him how easy it was to put your Playstation 2 online.

LIES!!!

The main part, a network adapter is now only available online. So the Crow bought one from ebay, which arrived on Saturday morning.

So you'd expect me to be online by lunchtime then? Erm, not quite.

First off the Crow had bought a wireless router in the hopes of bridging his PS2 with his internet connection which is upset. Only to find the wireless router only worked for a USB internet connection, and the PS2 has an ethernet connection.

Nevermind – a quick trip to Maplins, and a long ethernet cable was purchased which would do the trick.

The wireless option out the window, all the Crow needed was to drill a few holes to take the wire from upstairs to downstairs. This was like blindly drilling for oil – seems the Crow’s house is a bit asymmetrical and the holes didn’t join. Finally dragging the cable through secret hollows between the floors, we were all connected up.

So why wouldn’t the PS2 detect the internet?

Simple – because the good people at Maplins had provided me with a crossover cable where I needed a straight through cable – supposedly this is important! So back to the store I went, and reinstalled the new cable at home.

Sorted? No not quite – because my router still wasn’t happy – had to reboot it to factory settings – and finally the PS2 could see the internet …

Only for the PS2 at this point to ask me for it’s serial number – a serial number obscured by the network box.

Finally 10pm on Sunday I was online – to find no-one up for a Rogue Trooper multi-player! Typical.

Still the Crow as a computer engineer had a better chance than many to do this – and still took the best part of 10 hours. Perhaps this is secretly some form of Mensa challenge? No wonder there aren’t many other PS2 gamers online!

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Maybe the Conservatives were right?

2006-06-07T23:20:00.000+01:00

The "New Labour, New Danger" ad campaign by the Conservative Party came out in the run up to the 1997 General Election.

It was heavily criticised at the time for being a personal attack on Tony Blair and is considered to have badly backfired on the Tories (they lost badly to New Labour).

These days though after 9 years of New Labour rule, and an administration which limps from one crisis to another, there's something which strikes true about it.

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The Impossible Planet: First Draft

2006-06-04T22:25:00.000+01:00

The latest Doctor Who episode, The Impossible Planet, was screened last night. Some viewers were upset by the death of one character, however the Crow can reveal the first draft of the script would have been even more traumatised by the scene as originally conceived in the first draft.

Captain (over the intercom): Evacuate 11 to 13 we have a breach. The base is open. Repeat. The base is open.

The crew scramble through tunnels filled with venting gas until they, Rose and the Doctor gather in Habitation Module 3.

The Doctor: What happened?

Captain (over the intercom): Hull breach – we’re exposed to the elements. Everyone alright?

Security Officer (into communicator): We’re just missing the one person so far.

Captain (over the intercom): Any idea where they are.

The Doctor looks up to the observation dome above.

The Doctor: I’ve found them. Sorry – I’m so sorry.

Security Officer (into communicator): Captain. Report officer Sooty deceased at time 43K 2.1.

Security Officer (continues...): How should man die better than facing fearful odds, for the ashes of his fathers, and the temples of his gods?

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

American troops massacre at Ibiza

2006-06-01T21:49:00.000+01:00

Well that's what the Crow thought he heard on the radio this morning. [Ibiza is the clubbing destination of the British youth]

No the news refered to an alleged massacre of Iraqi citizens within the town of Haditha back in 2005. An American convoy was hit by a bomb, and in retaliation, troops fired on residents killing 24 unarmed civilians, including 11 women and children.

It's good to know then that there is an International Criminal Court (ICC) exists to deal with claims of war crimes. Only it doesn't help in this case, as once more American interpretation of "international" means "everyone but America", and American troops who have a form of immunity from the court.

But it's not a total loss - seems in light of this atrocity American troops will have to take lessons in ethics. So that's alright then!

Hail America the great liberator, but just not whilst you're in gun range ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Why the Crow now supports the war in Iraq ...

2006-05-31T22:58:00.000+01:00

It’s really quite simple you know. I’ve changed my stance and am now in support of the war in Iraq even if our dear leader told the odd untruth and exaggeration to get us into the war.

The reason? Well it’s quite simple really, just look at the personal fate of some of the war’s biggest critics …

Dr David Kelly (RIP)

David Kelly was a Ministry of Defence specialist in biological weapons. In May 2003, he spoke to the BBC about a dossier which had put together a case that Iraq was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. He claimed Alistair Campbell, the director of communications for the Prime Minister had put pressure to include spurious claims such as Iraq being able to launch weapons of mass destruction “within 45 minutes”.

The subsequent BBC report caused a bit of a scandal, and on 17th July 2003, Dr David Kelly was found dead in the woods after he’d gone for a walk on his own.

An inquiry lead by Lord Hutton (some people say the “Lord” part is important clue as to why he came with his particular verdict here) found Tony and Alistair completely free of blame.

It seems David Kelly was just a very vain man, and the BBC were silly to listen to his wild tales, and it’s no wonder a man so highly strung killed himself. However no mention of why, if the man was such a wild card, Tony Blair used him as one of his chief advisors on Iraq’s WMD program.

The Blair family were so pleased with the end result that Mrs Blair was recently auctioning signed copies of the Hutton report.

Robin Cook (RIP)

On 17th March 2003, Robin Cook resigned as Leader of the House over the Iraq war stating, “I can't accept collective responsibility for the decision to commit Britain now to military action in Iraq without international agreement or domestic support”.

His resignation speech was a shock in political circles, and for a while he became the figurehead of anti-war feelings within Britain.

However on 6th August 2005, he was found dead during a hillwalking holiday. Tony Blair himself was on holiday at this point (for the whole of August no less), however decided not to return for his once close ally’s funeral.

Mo Mowlam (RIP)

Another once close friend of Tony, who became an outspoken opponent over the war on Iraq.

She was receiving treatment for a brain tumour when she suffered a mysterious head trauma at home on the 3rd August 2005 which put her into a coma. She later died due to complications on 19th August 2005.

Once again Tony Blair was significantly out of the country at the time (before anyone has any wicked conspiracy theories) and stayed on his Bahamas holiday rather than return to the funeral of a woman who was once a close personal friend, until she opposed him on Iraq.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So it’s all rather open and shut isn’t it? If you want to have a long and happy life, just agree with Tony and Alistair, and don’t question the war on Iraq.

I’ll leave our final words with our beloved leader …

“Y’know all I am saying is, just give the war a chance!”

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The other reality show: Springwatch

2006-05-31T19:43:00.000+01:00

Thankfully it’s not just Big Brother which gets the Crow family hooked on TV this time of year!

This is our favourite time as Bill Oddie, Kate Humble and Simon King present the program Springwatch – it’s a fascinating look at the natural wildlife of Britain over the next few week.

We’ve watched it for several years now, and absolutely love it as we’re minor league birdwatchers ourselves.

It's of no surprise then that someone's personal favourite bird is the Crow itself - they are scavengers, but they are great survivors and one of the most intelligent birds in the world. And unlike many birds they've adapted to thrive off mankind, being as populous in urban areas as rural areas.

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Big Brother Comment … Sam

2006-05-30T23:34:00.000+01:00

Weep for the Crow – okay he was forced to watch Big Brother over the weekend – but today he watched of his own free will, and feels so dirty for it.

The main reason was after the revelation of Sam the pre-op transsexual on Monday night. After going “no that’s not a man surely”, I had all kinds of horror stories going around my head about how this would be handled.

In the 2004 version of Big Brother, there was contestant Nadia who was a post-op transsexual.

The Crow is pretty much a tolerant kind of person, and believes people have a right as private individuals to make their own choices. So I don’t have issues with Nadia or Sam and their lifestyles.

What I objected from what I saw in the 2004 show was everyone who was evicted was taken away for interview with Davina, and always she would pose the questions “did you know Nadia used to be a man?”.

My objection is there that it turns the program into trying to provoke a reaction from someone, and makes out the only reason Nadia was on the show was because of the shock value of “she used to be a man”. And it felt like the program makers were being a little exploitative, trying to use Nadia as a bit of a “freak show” to shock the public and contestants – there was no other participant whose personal secrets were laundered publicly for every contestant.

But maybe I’m being a little unfair as it’s a narrow tightrope between being exploitative of someone who is different, and trying to show in a program diversity of people and their lives, and maybe that very diversity makes for a more interesting program.

I had visions of the Big Brother makes deliberately putting Sam in the house in the guise of a woman to cause some kind of Nasty Nick revelation when someone catches her in the bathroom and notices she has some extra equipment.

Thankfully that won’t be the case, as Sam was quite open an honest about herself from the start with the other housemates. So people know and will just have to get on with it.

The only shame in my eyes is it seems one of the least shallow (and most attractive) girls in the house, is actually a bloke. Funny old world!

Now the Crow needs to kick this habbit before it's too late ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Isn't (s)he lovely? Big Brother's Sam

2006-05-29T22:47:00.000+01:00

Well tonight on Big Brother was interesting - two new housemates have been unveiled. Actually we were somewhat bored by what we saw - another two young lovelies both no doubt aspiring models wanting a Page 3 deal when they are evicted ...

Aisleyne looks to be honest like another Chantelle clone set to bore us with her "fabulous" London lifestyle. By the way we're still convinced Chantelle is "one of the boys" so to speak as covered previously.

Sam though from the moment we saw them, we knew they'd be interesting. Lo and behold Sam is "one of the club", an unemployed nail technician who may dress as a woman, but is all man underneath. This background also explains Sam's fabulous nails, which we hope they're going to use to scratch out the vile Nicki's eyes with.

Looks like Big Brother is going to have us glued for a while.

Reality TV: Oh the humanity!

2006-05-28T23:12:00.000+01:00

Mrs Crow hates me. It’s the only way to make sense of it.

The last week I’ve been coming home slightly earlier than usual to be greeted by the wife watching large (and unhealthy) doses of Jade’s Salon.

What’s Jade’s Salon? Perhaps some of you lucky people might be blissfully ignorant. Well it’s a reality show about a woman made famous by a reality show … kind of reality show squared. Basically it follows 2002 Big Brother contestant Jade Goody as she tries to set up her own salon (hence the title).

Who is Jade Goody? Some of you may ask. And that makes the Crow weep – because knowledge isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially when it’s a lack of knowledge of Jade Goody’s existence. Oh you lucky people. Jade is some kind of horrendous caricature made human(ish) in flesh. As is the way with reality TV she was made famous for her monumental stupidity, and a certain vulgarity about her. She’s not done anything since (except for this new Jade’s Salon) and yet she’s always in the papers. Look up the word minging, and Jade Goody will be listed as an example.

Jade Goody: Reality TV made me famous!

A few choice Jade Goody quotes …

Where is East Angular [sic], is it abroad?
Saddam Hussein - that's a boxer
A ferret is a bird
I had my first birthday when I was one
The Union Jack is for all of us, but the St. George is just for London, isn't it?
Do they speak Portuganese in Portugal? I thought Portugal was in Spain
Am I minging?

A pox on Big Brother for forcing such people down our throats as celebrities!

Mrs Crow has been keeping me on a short leash this weekend, which has meant I’ve had to watch a few episodes of the new Big Brother – and God help me I was trying to hide behind the sofa from the hideousness of it all. The contestants seem to get younger and younger, and seem all to be desperate wannabe celebrities.

This year on Big Brother there seems an overdose of very pretty model types – boy and girl. This seems in stark contrast to the first series of Big Brother where contestants were on the whole older and more ordinary looking. Heck of the women, there was only one in the first series who was at all attractive (Mel), and she was always professing her undying love to some guy just as he god evicted. On the other end of the scale there was Nicki the arts student that year who would always go sunbathing topless and really you wish she didn’t …

Nichola from Big Brother 1

Well so far the girls seem to have been talking mainly on what kind of magazines they’ll consider modelling for – I guess to get them into a bidding frenzy when they get out. I guess Loaded will have to get their cheque book out if them want one of the girls to “lower herself” to modelling for them.

By far the most pathetic though – and this stuck with me – was one girl actually crying to her housemates “Big Brother is trying to kill me … I’m so dehydrated, because they won’t give me bottled water”.

It’s going to be a long summer – weep for the Crow, weep for us all …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

craignotbond: okay they have a sense of humour

2006-05-28T22:29:00.000+01:00

After my last post about the website CraigNotBond, I sent them a link, expecting them to get all hot under the collar at the Crow.

Instead I got a slightly amusing reply from Mario Bruno - obviously the guys there aren't taking themselves too seriously ...

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Hey WhiteCrow, loved your movie! Mind if we link to it in our fan art  page?

Also, please check out our Craig In Not Bond Page at http://www.craignotbond.com/craignotbondp1.html. We bet you  could do a great Bond video with Mister Potato Head toys, only you would need to  sculpt a Daniel Craig head!

Thanks again,

CnB

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They may have a point on the Mister Potato Head front ...

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Casino Royal: Why can't you say "live and let live"?

2006-05-26T21:51:00.000+01:00

Well the casting of Daniel Craig as 007 still seems to have created controversy with a group calling themselves “Craig Not Bond” planning on boycotting new film Casino Royal and causing it to be a box office failure.

Shame really – I mean it’s hardly as if the part of James Bond has never been recast before has it?

Anyway this pressure group should thank their stars that the Crow isn’t a part of the Broccoli clan. Why? Because the Crow made his own Bond movie last year, and believe me if they’re getting hot under the collar over Casino Royal, wait until they see this ...

B-Ark now boarding …

2006-05-25T23:10:00.000+01:00

Are you the chairman of a troubled multinational corporation?

Facing an Enron sized scandal with no one else to blame?

Want to get out whilst you can?

No need to panic – help is at hand! I represent a business outreach program which is aiming to solve your problems ...

Called “the B-Ark”, this is golden opportunity to leave your problems behind and be one of this planet's first space colonists.

The B-Ark is a revolutionary new spaceship combining the thrill of space travel with the luxury expected by the demanding businessman.

Normally birthed behind the comet Hale-Bopp for tax reasons, it’s Captain, Marshall Applewhite promises you a once in a lifetime experience.

So sign up now and leave your problems behind you …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Enron: because telling lies is naughty!

2006-05-25T21:42:00.000+01:00

Well the jury is in from the Enron case! Despite the two chief executives of the company swearing in court they knew nothing of the shady business practises which caused the collapse of Enron, the jury has found them guilty and they can each look forward to a considerable jail sentence.

Under their management Enron lost billions, but the loses were covered up whilst the board continued to collect millions in executive bonuses.

There's a chance the US government might follow up this historic court case, by bringing one of the Crows ex-CEO’s into the dock – a man so criminally useless he managed to devalue company stock from $60 a share to $10 within a week, and yet still left with a $100 million severance package – he had an expensive wife apparently!

Fortunately we’ll never see this kind of court case going on over here in the UK where we have a fine tradition of the buck not stopping here if we can help it.

After all in Britain you can lie to Parliament and send your country into a war on false pretences, and still keep you place as leader of the country … makes you proud doesn’t it?

No wonder he’s so pleased he’s auctioning off signed copies of the Hutton enquiry, which he was instrumental in rewriting (he wasn’t happy with the original ending it seems).

There is a wonderful piece covering this elsewhere in the Blogverse - check this out ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Like a sex machine!

2006-05-24T21:39:00.000+01:00

Continuing on from the entry about “cyborg babes”. What is the appeal of an android “love machine”? For many they seem the ideal partner, someone who turning on is as simple as inserting a couple of AAA’s and hitting the standby button.

In one of the first sci-fi movies, Metropolis of 1927, a mad scientist builds a female robot, which he makes in the image of Maria, a female underground leader. This machine, often called fake Maria, has no soul and uses her sexuality to bring about a class war, caring little for the consequences of those on either side who she deceives.

A pre-makeover fake Maria from Metropolis looking like C3PO's girlfriend ...

The fake Maria - can't you tell she's up to no good?

Ironically as robots have developed in movies we have rarely seen a machine use their sexuality as a weapon. Sure we’ve had many a film with a rogue killer robot, which haven’t resembled people. And we’re had machines like the Terminator 3 T-X which while attractive still boil down to just a killing machines with breasts.

When sex is involved, android females have on the whole slavishly obedient and giving of their sexuality, the perfect male fantasy. This is a metaphor used to look at male expectations and the changing role of women in modern society, one explored famously in the Stepford Wives, where their husbands replace their wives with compliant, placid androids.

Probably the ultimate in this genre has to be the direct-to-video movie Cherry 2000, which is set in an apocalyptic future where a man is looking for a spare part for his perfect sex-droid (the titular Cherry 2000).

And recently on TV of course we have the female human styled Cylons who seem to be on a mission to walk around naked on their ships, and look for human men to mate with to produce human-Cylon hybrid. Ultimate male fantasy? Sign me up!

The Crow likes this picture - have you worked that out yet?

But interestingly, the idea of the perfect machine lover is not limited to male fantasy. Data from Star Trek: Next Generation had intimate knowledge of a few women in his time on board (he was “fully functional” you know), and the character had a strong (some might say obsessed) following.

In Making Mr Right, John Malkovich played an android designed for a deep space mission who develops feelings for a girl he meets when he leaves the lab one day.

And of course in A.I. there was Gigolo Joe, the android prostitute played by Jude Law - "Once you've had a lover robot, you'll never want a real man again".

Gigalo Joe - the sex obsessed android. Did Jude Law go all method acting over this part?

But for now the Crow will stick with the real thing. The fact of the matter with his experience of computers, the constant upgrades they require, virus checks and servicing no real woman can be as high maintenance as a machine!

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

American and British takes on Sci-Fi

2006-05-22T21:18:00.000+01:00

This weekend saw the concluding part of the Doctor Who two parter Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel which has seen the return of Doctor Who villains the Cybermen.

Part of the update of the Cybermen has been the coverage for the first time that there are no separate CyberWOmen – with both men and women being turned into the same machine end product.

This was an interesting idea (commented on in the story) that the Cybermen removed differences of race, gender, disability and sexuality between people which have caused so much violence and bloodshed over our history. But it imposed this equality by a violation of the individual, an equality gained by stripping down a human being to just their brain, and then inhibiting even that.

This violation of the individual was reinforced by the discovery that one of the Cybermen the Doctor encountered was a girl called Sally who was due to be married that same day (some have picked up there might be a social comment with Sally as she is obviously a woman trapped within a masculine machine body). And also there was the shock as Rose discovered that her mother Jackie had been processed into a Cyberman in this alternate world.

Sally the "Cyberwoman"

But the Cybermen aren’t the only cyborgs to be covered in popular science fiction. So how does Sally-the-Cyberman from BBC Wales compare with the cyborgs of Hollywood?

Seven of Nine

A Borg from Star Trek: Voyager

Boomer
A Cylon from the new Battlestar Galactica

"Number Six"
Another Cylon from the new Battlestar Galactica

T-X

Terminator from Terminator 3

Yes it seems there is a somewhat different view of cyborgs in America compared to over here in Britain!

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Give it up for the dancing droid ...

2006-05-21T23:45:00.000+01:00

With Strictly Dance Fever doing the business on BBC One, perhaps the contestants could learn a little from this dancing droid ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Reality TV – the solution to society’s ills

2006-05-17T22:44:00.000+01:00

Reality TV – everyone loves it, everyone wants to be on it. Some people are a bit too desparate to be on it.

But could it be a solution to societies ills? Consider this.

A person on Income Support/Jobseekers allowance recieves,

£57.45 per week (source here)
get their own room/flat paid for
are generally miserable

Compare this with contestants (or do I mean "inmates"?) on Big Brother

food allowance for 11 people starting from £36.23 (source here)
have to share rooms and facilities
are generally happy and enjoying themselves (as they expect a paper to buy their story when they exit).

So, not only is it cheaper per person to put people on Big Brother, they’re happier.

The solution must be then to create a series of 100,000 Big Brother homes for the unemployed. Of course these homes and the antics inside will never be shown on television. However as the inmates are in isolation from the outside world, they’ll never be any the wiser as long as you throw in the odd message from Davina.

Occasionally you can have a housemate evicted, however instead of being released to a photographer fanfare and a tabloid clamouring for their sex antics, it’ll be a Jobseekers Officer (who it turns up was Big Brother all along) telling them they have a job in Sainsbury’s collecting trolleys starting tomorrow.

Yes the Crow has seen the future – and it’s Big Brother shaped …

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

People who've had worse interviews than the Crow ...

2006-05-16T22:59:00.000+01:00

Perhaps what will become known as one of the oddest interviews ever, Guy Goma went for an interview at the BBC, and got mixed up with Guy Kewney, editor of Newswireless.net who was due to be interviewed over the Apple vs Apple court case. The net result was poor Guy Goma was put on live TV to answer questions about a case he knew nothing about! You have to feel sorry for the Guy.

The Crow had a friend who worked at the BBC and so knows that they have a habit of usual interviews - in fact video footage of any failed Blue Peter presenters auditions are usually the main entertainment at the BBC Christmas bash he's been told. But all this pails next to the translation candidate for a job at Alpha Translating and Interpreting Services. The interviewer asked the 25 year old woman if she would object to having the interview naked. He then left the room, returning naked except for a clipboard ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

B-arking mad

2006-05-16T21:52:00.000+01:00

Last week I received a verbal warning in my new job.

The reason? I’d bought a magazine from the company shop at lunchtime, and left it on my office desk. One of the main managers saw this and complained to my manager that it was unprofessional behaviour.

So the law of lowest common denominator in management, seems to remain true no matter the company I work for!

It does make you wonder though about what role exactly managers play in the success of a project. They are the highest paid people in an office – but what do they actually do, what do they bring to the office? Well a typical manager will claim they “leverage your synergy”, yes well quite.

They like to believe they’re all leaders, a group of Caesars of industry, but today’s typical manager really is little more than a bean counter who makes his contribution to the office by making complaints about magazines in the office or some other trivial thing. It’s a power game really – the business won’t collapse from the presence of one magazine (you would have to know the general state of our office to know what a mess it is), but it’s all about showing superiority over “none-managers” by occasionally applying such strange and unpredictable rules to the office.

Engineers create money for the company, but managers seem to take all the credit, bonuses and company cars. Thank God for Scott Adam’s Dilbert then, who acts as the voice of the office warrior by asserting how management are a law unto themselves.

Oddly enough it was another Adams, Douglas Adams who came up with a solution in his Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy stories.

His plan? To build a “B” ark …

------------------------------------------------

The planet Golgafrincham creatively solved the problem of middle managers: it blasted them in to space.

Golgafrinchan Telephone Sanitisers, Management Consultants and Marketing executives were persuaded that the planet was under threat from an enormous mutant star goat.

The useless third of their population was then packed in Ark spaceships and sent to an insignificant planet.

That planet turned out to be Earth, where the arrival of the Golgafrincham B Ark rather disrupted an experiment designed to find the question to the ultimate Answer.

------------------------------------------------

I cannot help but think this B-ark was the inspiration behind Channel 4’s Space Cadets, which ran in December 2005.

In it a group of people were trained at a space centre and then sent into space for one week. The catch? They call had to be gullible as the whole thing was a hoax.

Probably the best thing was watching the assortment of admins, recruiters and builders being trained and really believing they had “the right stuff” to be astronauts.

Bet it was enough to drive you to drink hey Buzz?

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Students rejoice at astonomical find ...

2006-05-15T20:57:00.000+01:00

Sounds made up but this story is absolutely true ...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Astronomers based at Jodrell Bank Observatory have discovered a giant bridge of methyl alcohol, spanning approximately 288 billion miles, wrapped around a stellar nursery.

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Now check out this other true article ...

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EDWIN "BUZZ" ALDRIN

The second astronaut to step onto the moon, Aldrin told an audience in 1976 that he had been an alcoholic for several years before the Apollo 11 mission of 1969.

He quit drinking only two days before his historic flight with Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins, but resumed shortly after his return to Earth. Aldrin now is an active crusader in the fight against alcohol abuse.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Put these two stories together, and we should worry if Buzz ever talks about wanting to get back into space ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

King of the Interview

2006-05-15T20:27:00.000+01:00

I must be the self confessed king of the interview – I stopped counting after 100. The reason for this has been a lot of short one-year jobs, as well as trying to move in different career directions.

I think in a lot of ways I’ve experienced just about anything possible that could be thrown at someone at a job interview.

Perhaps my strangest interview has to be a Jodrell Bank, the British radio telescope.

This was back in 1997 – to me it had been a dream to go to Jodrell Bank – I was an astronomy graduate after all!

Anyway I ended up being a little late, found signs for the place’s entrance and dived into the building. Well to my surprise all the corridors were somewhat darkened. I was even more surprised to be addressed by the ghost of Isaac Newton.

"I would ask Mr Crow that you put down that apple!"

One pant wetting moment later it became obvious I was not where I was supposed to be – in fact I was at the Jodrell Bank visitors centre, and I had activated the proximity sensor on an animatronic.

Well the interview got stranger – I was met by a dwarf Head of Department for my interview, who led me to a room where I was interviewed by a panel which also included a six-fingered man (note to self – did he kill my father?). Something they didn’t put on the application form – the job as a radio telescope engineer involved a lot of heights – was I okay with them?

Well actually I hate heights – even a stepladder causes me nose bleeds. But I did what anyone at an interview would do – lie. So later on I was made to go up a ladder to view one of the telescopes – well let’s just say they never did call me back!

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Tony's desktop ...

2006-05-09T21:50:00.000+01:00

It seems the debate about Iran's nuclear ambitions seems to be dragging on and on. It all has a familiar feel to it.

The Crow can exclusively reveal the following photographic evidence which has been pulled from Tony Blair's computer.

Have the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and possibly Iran been planned all this time by the evil Mr Clippy?

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How the mighty have fallen ...

2006-05-09T21:17:00.000+01:00

The Crow returned to Weymouth this weekend after a seven year absence.

Alas, the Crow's old workplace is looking worse for wear. Hard to believe this building once housed a state-of-the-art defence company which utilised some of the finest minds of Dorset.

Now instead of providing defence services to the free world, they'll cut your hair and sort out your plumbing.

Perhaps this is a buildings equivalent of lying in state???

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May the 4th be with you: First past the post was ...

2006-05-04T20:39:00.001+01:00

David Cameron of the Conservatives ...

Although the humour escaped his secretary! I've had emails from her before though - a very nice lady.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many thanks for your email to David Cameron - I am replying on his behalf.

Thanks very much for your words of support.

We will all be looking forward to the results coming through.

Kind regards,
Kate Marley
Correspondence Secretary
David Cameron's Office
House of Commons
London SW1A 0AA

www.conservatives.com

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Which political party has a sense of humour?

2006-05-03T21:58:00.000+01:00

It’s local elections tomorrow, which happen to fall on Thursday 4th May. Yes there's an obvious joke there, and the Crow isn't going to let it pass.

So in his usual style, the Crow has contacted the main political parties of Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives, and has sent them this message …

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good luck with tomorrow's elections.

May the forth be with you!

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I wonder if any will have the sense of humour to reply? Watch this space ... but don't hold your breath!

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Get Lost!

2006-05-03T21:13:00.000+01:00

Last night, second season Lost returned to Channel 4 with a double episode. I enjoy Lost, and yet at the same time it infuriates me. Last night typified my problem with it ...

Episode one, everyone started at the top of the mysterious hatch, argued a lot, and only got to the bottom by the end of the episode. Where shock, horror, doctor Jack meets a man he met months before, but was never mentioned before except in this episode.

Roll on the second episode, and it’s almost all told in flashback, with us three-quarters of the way into the episode before we catch up with the end of the last episode, with everyone back at the bottom of the hatch-shaft.

As I've said, I like Lost, but they don’t half seem to spin off the story ad infinitum. It’s in danger of being X-Files vague just for the sake of it.

And talking about doctor Jack, supposedly “the hero” of the piece. Well a worse doctor I don’t think you could meet outside of Harold Shipman’s practise!

In breaking the news to Sarah, a woman he’s just operated on, that she will never be able to walk again, what does he say? He moans that he’s twisted his ankle and it hurts because he was off running up and down stairs – could the big jerk be any more insensitive?

Perhaps I’ll go up to the blind woman around the corner and complain about wearing glasses next huh Jack?

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Rasterisation in CGI

2006-04-28T17:01:00.000+01:00

According to Wikipedia, Rasterisation is,

"the task of taking a two-dimensional image described in a vector format and converting it into pixels or dots for output on a video display or printer."

This makes it a process all CGI characters go through. So applying some reverse engineering, we can deduce that at some point, there was a computer model of Mr Incredible which looked like this ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Doctor Who gone nuts

2006-04-27T23:27:00.000+01:00

Damn my hearing ...

You know I believed in the Doctor Who story "The Five Doctors", that the Cybermen were wiped out by what was described as a Rasta robot ...

... I've since learnt of course it's a Raston robot which Jon Pertwee was talking about!

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John Prescott: Sex god

2006-04-27T19:07:00.000+01:00

Seems Deputy Prime Minister has been having an affair with his secretary (so original), and has just been caught out.

The official news story is here, but of course for the best (i.e. funny) coverage you need to check out Guido Fawkes.

Mind you John Prescott has always reminded the Crow of a sex god. Well not quite, but the word "Buddha" comes to mind ...

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The long & the short: Marty Klebba

2006-04-25T18:16:00.000+01:00

Marty Klebba played one of Captain Jack Sparrow's new crew in the Pirates of the Carabbean, and will be returning in the sequels.

He also has a recurring role as Randall Winston, one of the janitors, in Scrubs.

I got this reply from him via the forum on his official site which can be found here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hmmmm, well there alot of things the average size world takes for granted, i can tell you that. Kitchens, Bathrooms alot of things in the everyday life, people that are born with challenages must learn to over come and or adapt too. Buyin Clothes,Cars, and other stuff can also be difficult and expensive.

Let alone having to deal with peoples prejudges and pointing, staring , making of rude comments.

Wink Lucky for me I dont give a ratz azz and I'll be the 1st to call you out.

Marty

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The long & the short: My mate Barry

2006-04-23T22:38:00.000+01:00

I used to work with a guy called Barry, who was a good deal taller than me. So I emailed him for his opinions. Alas I cannot repeat his underpants problems, but as for the rest, here it is ...

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advantages of being so tall - being able to look down girls tops  always.

disadvantages - banging head on door frames when forgetting to  duck

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The long & the short: Kiran Shah

2006-04-23T22:29:00.000+01:00

Kiran Shah – is both an actor and a stuntman, often performing stunts as a stand in for children.

He was born in Kenya, and is often confused with fellow countryman Deep Roy who played the Oompa Loompas in Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Kiran was the scale double for Elijah Wood in the Lord of the Rings films, and more recently played the dwarf Ginarrbrik in the film The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

You can find his official website here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for the Email. It is intresting to learn that you are a tall person. I'm on the other scale small.

As to your questions one learns to live the life with what you got. I don't drive. When I was was young I did four or five lesson and just didn't like driving so I stopped. If I was driving then the seat would be a little higher and have cousion for the back, get extension for the peddles. That would work. Round the house I have normal things and find ways to reach things or whatever. Being small is not as much a problem.

I can imagen what you have to go through. On The Lord of the Rings we had a scale double other way as well. We found a really tall person. He was 7 feet 4 inches tall. He learned to live with it and found ways round things.

Let me know how tall you are.

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The long & the short: phantaisie from AlchemyX

2006-04-23T22:08:00.000+01:00

phantaisie is a fellow member of the AlchemyX web forum, and had this to contribute ...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, so I'm not short, short - I'm 5'2. But it is a pain in the butt when your pants and short sleeves are frequently too long. Or when people sit in front of you at the theater that are taller than you and all of a sudden you see a silhouette in the middle of your movie instead of the action. If you're in a crowd sometimes it's difficult to see amongst all the people if you're looking for something. But, by the same token, it can make it easier to hide.

As far as short/tall people in sci-fi, I guess I never really gave it any thought. However, sci-fi is meant to be different from the norm, and I don't think having "average" people would make it very "sci-fi-ish"; I guess the tall/short makes it different.

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All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

BBC denies dumbing down Doctor Who

2006-04-23T18:02:00.000+01:00

The BBC today has denied dumbing down Doctor Who in an attempt to make the show more accessible to younger viewers after details of the season finale were leaked onto the internet.

In last night’s episode Tooth And Claw, the Doctor met up with Queen Victoria, claiming to hail from the township of Balamory.

Little could viewers guess that this clue was the beginning of an arc for Rose and the Doctor, which will lead to the final episode which will feature a crossover with the Children’s TV program, which will end with Miss Hoodie the towns school teacher taking popular companion Rose Tyler’s place by the Doctor’s side.

New companion Miss Hoodie, played by Julie Wilson Nimmo

The two parter will see the Daleks arriving in the town of Balamory in search of an ancient Timelord artefact, a book which belonged to legendary Gallifreyan temporal engineer Omega. The Doctor, forewarned by the Face of Boe is hot on their heels.

Which of Balamory's residents will survive?

The book turns out to be hidden in Miss Hoodie’s class library. Taking Miss Hoodie’s hand, the Doctor flees the pursuing Daleks, but not all of Balamory’s residents are so lucky, as pleasant copper PC Plum is brutally gunned down by the Daleks in the main street!

PC Plum will be no match for the Daleks ...

Once safe, the Doctor has time to review the book and wonder how such a powerful Timelord artefact came to be in a school library. Miss Hoodie explains that it was given to her by Archie, Balamory’s resident inventor.

The Doctor and Miss Hoodie then go to Archie’s castle to challenge the inventor. But whilst waiting in the laboratory, the Doctor is horrified, as he recognises the technology as far beyond Earth science for this period. Archie walks in sporting a new beard, with a gun pointed at the Doctor and announces his true identity – he is the Master, and his castle is a badly damaged and malfunctioning Tardis.

Archie the inventor is unmasked as evil Timelord the Master

The Master's Tardis is in need of repair, with it's Chamelion Circuit badly malfunctioning

How will this be resolved? Will the Doctor be forced to team up with one enemy to defeat the other? You’ll have to wait for the season finale for these questions to be answered …

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The Crow writes material for Have I Got News For You apparently ...

2006-04-21T22:39:00.000+01:00

A few months ago the Crow left a comment on the Guido Fawkes political intrigues website regarding the Tessa Jowell affair.

She and her husband David Mills had taken out a second mortgage on a house, which had been mysteriously paid back a week later after her husband was paid £500,000 by then Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

All this appeared rather dodgy (dare we say “corrupt”?) when Tessa Jowell, Culture Secretary, starts to give contracts out to Italian firms. She claimed her husband told her nothing of the payment (which paid off their mortgage), and feeling her job on the line, she announced she was divorcing him.

The Crow mentioned here on Guido’s blog that this was the first case of a “politician who resigned from her family to spend more time with her career”.

Today on Have I Got News For You, guest presenter Sir Trevor MacDonald repeated the same line as a punchline regarding the story. So this is the first time the Crow has seen his material on the television!

Sir Trevor, if you need additional material – you can email me direct.

Yes indeed … the ego has landed!

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I am not a number! I’m a free man!

2006-04-21T00:07:00.000+01:00

"My boss is Number Two ..."

Today is a big day for the Crow!

For the past 7 years he has worked for a global corporation. Within this corporation he did not have a name, but a staff number. Whenever he wanted a computer problem sorted, an expense paid, or deal with management, they did not want to speak to the Crow, but to employee number 58763.

Thankfully this nightmare situation straight out of the fictional dystopias of 1984, THX1138 and the Prisoner is about to come to an end. Today the Crow leaves for another job, and so has the pleasure never to have to refer to himself as number 58763 again.

To celebrate the fact, the Crow has arranged a bonfire for his ID badge, his company diary and the bizarre autobiography of a past CEO ("Your CEO has made this company the success story it is today ... Your CEO is watching you!") which was standard issue propaganda when he joined the company.

As he is a fan of the Prisoner, the Crow will arrange to be pursued by a giant fitness ball as he makes one last dash to get out of the company gates and past the company security perimeter at 5:30pm …

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Doctor Who exclusive: Cyber Billie ...

2006-04-20T21:32:00.000+01:00

The new series of Doctor Who is has started on the BBC in the U.K.

One of the highlights will be the return of the Cybermen. Spoilers claim the Cybermen will be trying to get their metal mits on Billie Piper, and here is an exclusive photo of Rose part-Cyber-converted.

"I am le Cute Ass of the Cybermen ... from this day forward I will service you ... yeah in your dreams!"

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The long & the short: Nabil Shaban

2006-04-20T21:00:00.000+01:00

Nabil Shaban – is a man we used to see a lot on television in the 80s, a fantastic actor, and a fascinating person to hear interviewed.

He is a disabled actor who suffers from osteogenesis imperfecta and is most famous for playing the alien Sil in Doctor Who. You can find his website here.

I asked him how he felt that short actors and even disabled ones seem to appear more in fantasy and sci-fi than they do in normal reality based drama ...

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Yes, its really annoying that we only exist in fantasy and Sci Fi. this is how the world would prefer our existence. not in the real world.

Meanwhile...if Bush and Blair aren't stopped soon, no one will exist in the real world or the planet will look like some post-Apocalyptic Sci Fi movie.

Here's a Bush joke you might like to pass on to your friends. How the Bushies Change a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration are required to replace the proverbial light bulb?

Are you ready for this?

The Answer is SEVEN:
(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;
(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;
(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;
(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;
(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
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Nabil has a book of his poetry out - if its anything like his public speaking it'll be well worth a look. You can find out more here.

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The long & the short: Carel Struycken

2006-04-19T21:17:00.000+01:00

Carel Struycken is instantly recognisable to any sci-fi fan as Lurch in the Adams family, Mr Homm in Star Trek Next Gen, the Giant in Twin Peaks and many others ...

You can find his offical website, which details his interest in taking spherical panoramas here!

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Being this tall is mostly a headache: Most literally because I often scrape my head against doorposts and also because it is so hard to find clothes and especially shoes. There are also very few cars I fit in. At the moment I am very happy with my Honda CR-V. With a little re-engineering it has more room than most full sized suvs and I love taking it out to the desert when there is a chance (not often).

My favorite part was probably "the Giant" in Twin Peaks. It was the strangest film-set I have ever worked on and I was already a big fan of the series.

At the moment there is very little film work for me, so I am starting a new career as spherical panorama photographer.

This is the website I made to showcase the panoramas: http://www.sphericalpanoramas.com

All the best,

Carel

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I really do recommend having a look at his website, as he has some stunning pictures there, and Carel seems to have quite a love affair with the desert - he also pointed me in the direction of a website of pictures of "the hardiest of all explorers, Sir Wilfred Thesiger" - some amazing pictures of the Middle East from around. You can find the website here.

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Residents of Portland look away ...

2006-04-18T22:45:00.000+01:00

This is enough to put terror into all the locals of Portland ...

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/giantrabbit.asp

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The long & the short: Warwick Davis

2006-04-18T21:16:00.000+01:00

Warwick Davis has appeared as Willow, the Leprechaun, Wicket the Ewok, Marvin the paranoid android ...

I should point out I was stunned by how fast he replied to my mail, and how early his reply was timestamped – six o’clock in the morning when the Crow is safely tucked in bed! A man who really does make time for his fans!

[I also asked Warwick about how it felt wearing prosthetics]

You can find his offical website here!

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Warwick was pleased to hear from you and says to tell you that far from worrying about playing sci-fi and fantasy and horror, he is so pleased to be working as hard as he is.

Warwick says to tell you that like being tall, being short makes life difficult with clothes, shopping in general and many other things, but, we can all moan about some part of us that we don't like.

As for the prosthetic make up Warwick says to tell you that it can make your face very sore at times, but if you want to play the part, its the price you have to pay. Warwick says he loves to act and feels privileged to be able to do the job he loves

There are, Warwick says many things in the 'pipe line' so check out the website from time to time to find out all the latest info.

Warwick sends you and your son his best wishes

Regards

Caz

pp Warwick

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The long & the short: Being tall ...

2006-04-17T21:41:00.000+01:00

My own tale on life is I’m quite tall. At my school I was pretty much the tallest in the school, towering over my classmates. I thought I’d almost never stop growing until I was matching someone of David Prowse’ (played Darth Vader) or Peter Mayhew’s (played Chewbacca) stature.

Fortunately I kind of bottomed out at 6’4”, which is quite big enough to realise you’re sufficiently taller than the average to cause a few problems, and God help those who are grow any higher!

So what are the problems?

Well first of all clothes. Everything is just a bit bigger, you need bigger shoes, you have to make sure your trousers aren’t half mast because the leg is too short, and have a shirt which doesn’t make your arms look like they’re dangling around like a Gorilla because the cuffs are half way up your forearm.

And heaven help you if on top of all this you need to lose a few pounds (erm like me)! You tend to be driven to buy what fits rather than “wow I like that”. A friend at University was a giant, and I once saw his wardrobe once, which contained a dozen replica outfits – “I tend to find clothes my size and buy a dozen of the same thing” he told me.

Legroom. You have longer legs. This means the economy seating in aeroplanes which is cramped for the average person is just unbearable. Headroom too is impossible. On a flight from Scotland I was huddled and twisted trying to fit into my seat – thankfully it was just over an hour in that Hell. Likewise the first thing I think when looking for a car is how far back the seats can go, and how much legroom there is.

Beds. Even for me they don’t make beds or sheets long enough – so my legs tend to dangle over the end a lot (and we have a kingsize bed). It’s probably one of the reasons I find it so comfortable to sleep on the floor sometimes.

Watch your head! Yeah bundle of laughs this. The modern submarine or warship that I’ve had to visit occasionally whilst it was in dock is ideally built for a man sized 5’ 10”. You start the day ducking through every bulkhead, but as time drags on, eventually you forget to duck and then - believe me - it really hurts!

The cinema. Actually being tall is an advantage in the cinema as you see really well. But when you have to sit in front of someone there is a terrible sigh behind you as they take your height personally…

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The long and the short of it …

2006-04-17T21:16:00.000+01:00

I was collecting ideas from AlchemyX, one of the forums I frequent for a “theme of the week” for this blog.

One of the suggestions was to write something about “An army of evil midgets who wish to rule the world”.

Well I’m not going to! Partly because I don’t want the term “Midget Nazi” following me around forever. However it did give me the idea to really take a look at the issue of being either very tall or very short in a society which seems to be engineered only for those of average height.

It seems the easiest place to find groups of tall and short people was the film and TV industry. So I’ve been asking around some notable short and tall actors for their experiences of life, and what they find difficult or awkward, and will provide some of their replies in this blog, together with some answers from not-so-famous friends an acquaintances as well.

My questions to these people were pretty much on two fronts

What are the advantages and difficulties of being their height?
Many of these actors work mainly in sci-fi and fantasy, rather than standard drama/comedy roles. How to they feel about not being represented in mainstream TV/film?

I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m still waiting on my answer from Tom Cruise …

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The Island of Portland: An announcement

2006-04-16T04:19:00.000+01:00

Dear Residents of Portland

For years I lived amongst you, respecting your ways and honouring your fear of that-which-must-not-be-named.

However I will be returning to the Isle of Portland on Saturday 6th May 2006.

If by that time I have not received from you a payment of two million dollars, I will arrive with a megaphone attached to the roof of my car playing “Run rabbit run” on a repeating loop.

You have three weeks – wa ha ha …

Yours sincerely,

Dr Evil Crow

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Bad bunnies!

2006-04-15T23:14:00.000+01:00

I was at our local fish and chip shop today getting an order in for supper to eat with Doctor Who – no we weren’t having visitors, just watching the new BBC series.

Seems like a couple of the girls who work there were having a theological quandary, and the Crow not having any better sense opened his mouth.

“So what’s Easter all about? I don’t understand it.”

“Well”, I said in my best should-have-been-a-vicar voice, “on Good Friday Christians remember the crucifixion of Jesus. Then three days later they celebrate his resurrection on Easter Monday”.

“So what’s the egg all about.”

“Well the egg symbolises the stone on Jesus’ tomb which was rolled away when he came back to life. In many cultures the egg is a symbol of rebirth.”

The girl nodded her head as she took all this in, then screwed up her face and resumed her line of interrogation ... “So what’s with the Easter Bunny”.

“Ah … well, you got me”. I had to concede I was fighting a losing battle at this point.

The problem is I have issues with the Easter Bunny. As I’ve mentioned before I used to live on the Isle of Portland, where they have strange local ways – they see the bunny as a harbinger of ill omen, and the use of the “R” word as in r-a-b-b-i-t is very much frowned upon.

At first this seems all very silly, but living there a few years it slowly rubs off on you. All it takes is a couple of times of saying “rabbit” in the local pub and watching the room turn silent and dour whilst every head turn to face you accusingly. Then you realise it’s not a clever thing to do if you want to avoid your house being burned to the ground, as the locals are a bit restless over this.

With good reason it seems. The Isle of Portland’s primary business is quarrying stone – St Paul’s Cathedral is made of Portland stone. If a warren of bunnies were seen near the walls of a quarry, it often was the precursor to a disaster. The bunnies tunnels would often weakened the quarry walls, and could cause a landslide. Hence there was a unique link on Portland between bunnies and ill omen.

This meant posters of the recent Wallace and Gromit film had to be subtly changed for the island’s residents – read more here!

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Spring!

2006-04-14T13:31:00.000+01:00

It's Good Friday! We were promised a sunny day, and so the Crow was all geared up for a day sitting out in the Sun - instead we're looking out and searching for our waterproofs!

God bless the Met Office - all those satellites and super-computers just gives them the ability to be wrong with authority!

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The H.M.S. Invincible – “The Love Boat”

2006-04-14T00:54:00.000+01:00

The H.M.S. Invincible was one of the first ships in the Royal Navy to have women serving aboard it in modern times. Up until this point, all-male crews served aboard ship, and it was seen as bad luck to have women on board.

The Navy admiralty was up in arms over the change, as male crew got a little wild at having seeing a feminine figure onboard. There was real concern that seamen would go “girl crazy” and onboard relationships would cause the breakdown of Navy family life. In the rest of the Royal Navy fleet, the H.M.S Invincible soon developed the nickname “The Love Boat”.

“The Royal Navy has a long tradition of practising homosexuality at sea.”, complained one Admiral, “This sort of behaviour leads to ratings believing it’s alright to be straight whilst onboard, and is against the fine tradition of the Royal Navy going back before Nelson”.

The Crow believes it may have been these rumours of the H.M.S. Invincible making love and not war which caused the ship to be mothballed in 2005, read here.

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The truth about Mars ...

2006-04-12T23:28:00.000+01:00

It's getting harder to spot the true science story from the hoax!

Story from WhiteCrowUK about highways on Mars

Story from BBC website about giant smiley face on Mars

Which one do you trust?

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Queen causes Camberley chaos

2006-04-12T23:03:00.000+01:00

Today it’s been revealed that many New Labour ministers have been using/abusing the Royal Flights system as a form of RAF air taxi – including (and I’m not kidding here) environmental secretary Margaret Beckett, who regularly uses a large jet to commute to far away Derby from London, to tell her constituents how unnecessary car journeys damage our environment.

"Margaret, sit in a corner and think about what you are saying, and what you are doing ..."

Still, it was nice to see the Queen herself not falling prey to this when she attended Prince Harry’s passing out ceremony at Sandhurst, just outside Camberley. Instead, a fleet of Police motorbikes cordoned off large sections of the A30 so her Royal Majesty wouldn’t have to share the highway with dirty common traffic. One can almost imagine Prince Phillip with his usual failure to grasp such things commenting “all this talk of congestion – bah, the roads look fine to me”.

The Crow himself has only seen this kind of Police escort in practise twice before, in both instances it was to escort notorious murderers between prison and court. So perhaps the Police know something about the death of Diana we don’t …

"Hey lads - Harry's gran turned up then!"

We got stopped at a roundabout to let Her Majesty pass – a bit of a dangerous move in my opinion, as Mrs Crow has had a habit the last week of ploughing into the back of other cars at roundabouts!

"Who was that rather vulgar man in the Nissan Micra?"

The Queen may have left at 3pm (no doubt so she could get back to Buckingham Palace in time for the second showing of Neighbours), but the traffic chaos in Camberley seemed to stretch on past 6pm.

Fortunately the Crow cycles home, so just laughed and pointed at the motorists trapped in all the congestion.

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TWNTW: Chantelle it's time to reveal your real secret!

2006-04-12T19:25:00.000+01:00

The more we see pictures of Celebrity Big Brother winner Chantelle in the papers, the more we're convinced it's time she came out as a sister transvestite.

What does that say for fiance Preston though?

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Mr Crow – this is your early morning wake-up call …

2006-04-11T23:03:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was the lovely Mrs Crow’s birthday, and so we went out for a meal, had a good time, but felt a little the worse for it this morning.

Delightfully though, we received a wake-up call at 5:30am which went thus,

Boom, boom, acka-lacka-lacka, boom

No, this wasn’t Was Not Was’s “Walk the Dinosaur” on the clock radio – mainly because our clock radio is no more after the lovely Mrs Crow threw it at Mr Crow’s head when she was in a not-too-lovely mood.

Instead, it was our noisy neighbours, the British Army, deciding nothing says “morning has broken” better than letting loose with heavy artillery and an assortment of light machine guns. And of course, being the British Army, they've never heard of silencers for their equipment ...

We live a couple of miles from an army training range, and alas in the early hours of the morning, or late at night, the British Army love nothing better than letting off a few rounds, leaving the Crow family suffering from shellshock despite all their double glazing.

Possibly the most bizarre incident to date has been when the army used an overdose of visibility flares, causing a very bleary Crow to see lots of lights hovering in the sky, and was convinced the War of the Worlds had begun.

All this might be a cause for complaint, however it’s still a much better situation than the Crow’s previous house. Situated a mile down the road from the scenic Portland Bill lighthouse, the fog horn of which would prevent Mr and Mrs Crow from sleeping most of the night – another “feature” the estate agents forget to tell you.

The Crow is hoping to move to a quieter strip near Heathrow over the next few months …

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TWNTW: Ed Wood

2006-04-09T22:10:00.000+01:00

Ed Wood Jr, often titled "the worst director of all time", can in many ways be called the grandfather of the modern movietransvestite.

He’s often remembered for his low budget horror films such as the infamous Plan 9 From Outer Space. However, the his docudrama Glen of Glenda was much closer to home for the director. For away from the movies the director was a transvestite in real life. He fought as a soldier in World War Two, and it’s said that underneath his combats he wore women’s underwear, fearing what would happen to him if he was caught by the enemy …

Those interested should check out the wittily entitled documentary on Ed Wood’s life "Look back in angora".

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Crossdressing as comedy

2006-04-09T01:25:00.000+01:00

Why does a man dressing up as a woman get used so much in comedy?

The comedy of farce often heavily uses a case of mistaken identitu, with a character pretending to be something or someone they are not.

Basically the more the difference between a characters actual identity and assumed identity, the bigger the potential for comedy. And there is nothing more extreme than a man pretending to be a woman, and discovering a world which whilst in plain sight they were originally oblivious to.

Some examples of films which have used this include …

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The future of economy class travel …

2006-04-08T18:45:00.000+01:00

FACT: Year on year, the nation's population gets taller.

FACT: Year on year, the space afforded to those in economy class gets reduced.

FACT: Put someone in cramped conditions for long periods of time, and you increase the danger of deep vein thrombosis.

FACT: Research has shown the risks of deep vein thrombosis dramatically increase if you have some kind of compression on your legs, such as that provided by support tights.

Put this all together and I can already picture the economy class traveller of tomorrow …

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Mrs Crow needs her ears checked ...

2006-04-07T23:10:00.000+01:00

I sent the wife to town today to buy a laminator! What was she thinking?

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TWNTW: Jaye Davidson in The Crying Game

2006-04-07T22:23:00.000+01:00

Jaye Davidson in The Crying Game. The bottom line is, who saw the twist coming? That's just how good Jaye is in this film.

'Nuff said really!

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