Killing your co-workers #2 : Killing with kindness

Okay - so killing my co-workers with a bacon roll wrapped in fissionable material wasn't a viable method - 10/10 for imagination, 0/10 for practicality.

A quick Google search for "common causes of death" later, and I hit upon this website,

http://danger.mongabay.com/causes_of_death.htm

It seems the most common causes of death are attributable to either heart disease or cancer. All very well - but can I make it work for me?

Forearmed with such knowledge, I went into work this morning with several bags of doughnuts and 40 Marlborough in an attempt to cause heart disease and cancer amongst the office - I call this plan "killing with kindness". The doughnuts were easily taken care of with a fake “it’s my birthday, cakes for all, take 2 if you want” email.

However by 11a.m. my co-workers were showing no signs of expiring. So in desperation I stood outside the building trying to persuade folks it was no smoking day (see below), and as such I was giving up – so could I persuade them to take one of mine.

Really – people are so suspicious these days – looks like everyone will look a gift fag in the mouth. People are unquestioning if you put a doughnut under their nose – but try to force even the most seasoned smoker to take one of yours, and you are on a losing streak.

End of the day, no-one had expired as a result of my plans. What’s worse it seems those I most want to get rid of are too suspicious of my doughnuts and cigarettes to come anywhere near them.

I might get results if I continue in this fashion for the next 10 years, but even I have trouble with such patience …


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