Quentin Tarentino's The Office

Let's go to work ... at our paper merchants in Slough ...

I think there cannot be a more disappointing genre than “the film based on the (much loved) TV series”. The sad fact is they often ruin the original premise – yes occasionally you get an Addams Family or Brady Bunch, but for every one of these there are countless Starsky and Hutches, Beverley Hillbillies or Lost in Space.

For this reason I’m trying to build up support for Quentin Tarantino to direct and write The Office movie. He recently showed me an early draft of one of the scenes he’s trying to get Ricky Gervais on board for, and I think it’s a corker, enjoy …

Scene 21

The Setting: a paper merchants in a thriving Slough buisness park ...

Scene One: Office of David Brent (John Travolta), Manager is having a morning conference with Gareth (Quinten Tarentino).

Gareth: ... and hence why the song is called LIKE A VIRGIN!

David snickers, there is a knock at the door, Tim (Samuel L Jackson) enters ...

David: Just in time Tim ...

Tim: I know I'm late, I've been rushed all morning, and goddamit if I didn't miss the sandwich trolley ... [looks to desk]what have we got?

David: Erm ... we've got donuts!

Tim: Ah donuts, the cornerstone of any nutricious breakfast. Mind if I have one ... [takes a mouth full of donut] ... Mmm, hmmm, that is a TASTY DONUT! Ordinarily I wouldn't bother, but you see my girlfriend is kind of always on a diet, which means I'm always kind of on a diet ...

David: Anyway what ...

Tim: Mind if I have some of your coffee to wash down your tasty donut? [Pours himself a coffee from Davids personal filter coffee machine] ... Goddam thats some good shit, much better than the stuff we get in the tea room am I right?

Gareth: Uh huh ...

Tim: I mean and you've got cream as well, I was expecting powdered stuff ...

David: You know what, you don't have to tell me how good my coffee is. I get Tescos "Taste the difference", because the stuff the company gets tastes like shit. But right now, do you know what's on my mind, and its not the coffee?

Gareth: What?

David: When the two of your came to my office, did any of your notice the room over there? [He points to the cupboard, but gets blank looks]

I dunno help me out here, maybe I need to get glasses or something, but did anyone see a sign saying "Ted Bridger's storeroom"???

Tim: Erm no ...

David: And any idea why that is?

Tim: No ...

David: Because its not there for Ted Bridger's personal use ...

There is another knock at the door, this time it is Ted Bridger (Steve Buscemi) looking slightly worried.

David: Take a seat Ted ... I'm a bit worried about the situation with the stationary cupboard

Ted. We've seemed to have been missing a lot of printer cartidges of late - in fact we've been using them up at two a month!

Ted: Well we have been doing a lot more printing since we changed to the new timesheet authorisation form.

Gareth: Yeah we have ...

David: Well I'm no Hercule Poirot, but I looked on ebay, and saw some Xerox cartidges for sale ... they're the ones we have arent they?

[Ted starts to sweat a bit]

Ted: What?

David: So anyway I put an order with "Ted Bridger's Storeroom" as the company was called, and I got a reply, from ted.bridger@hotmail. com

Ted: What?

David: And the email asked me to send a cheque made payable to "Ted Bridger".

Ted: What?

David: Now I had to send this cheque to a PO Box Number. But low and behold, when I get my printer cartidge through the post, the return address is your home address!

Ted: What?

David: Say "what" one more time time I dare you!

Ted: What?

David: Ted I know there was that time at the Christmas do, when we got a bit drunk, and I started to sing "It's raining men" ... but did I ever make you think I was gay?

Ted: What ... er, I mean NO!

David: Then why are you trying to fuck me in the ass then!!! [Hands Ted his P45] ...


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