Planet Earth in danger from extra-terrestrial WMD

A report released today by a government intelligence group claims that the Earth could be at risk of attack from “extra-terrestrial weapons of mass destruction capable of unleashing planetary annihilation in 100 minutes”.

MI7 is the intelligence service charged with investigating extra-terrestrial threats to planetary security. Less well known that the domestic and international intelligence services of MI5 and MI6, its remit is to scrutinise all astronomical research and investigations from ground-based observations by amateur astronomers to satellite-based planetary missions, many of which have been until now classified.

Of recent concern has been the Cassini-Huygens mission to Saturn. MI7 intelligence operatives have been concerned about pictures received from the moon of Mimas since the initial Voyager images were recieved the 1980s. However the Cassini mission has allowed operatives more detailed images of the remote planet to run their analysis on.

In these pictures – never before seen by the public – MI7 operatives have identified Mimas (seen on the left from recent Cassini imaging) as an ancient Type I Death Star (seen on the right from historical pictures),

Mimas: That’s no moon. It’s a space station

The Death Star was an ancient WMD capable of wiping out whole planetary systems with it’s main armament. Until now, it was believed all the Death Stars constructed had been destroyed as part of the Galactic Civil War, which some historians argue might have taken place before the Egyptians had built the pyramids.

The discovery has brought both fear and excitement within the security and astronomy communities. Explains Prof. Mark Langstrom, astronomer at Cambridge, “We have always expected there to be a missing planet between Mars and Jupiter, yet all we see are remnants of a possible planet. Until now the gravity of Jupiter has been to blame for this planets break-up, but this discovery puts a new spin on things. We can see this missing planet being used as a testing ground for this early WMD. Of course it would have been too remote to make an effective demonstration …”.

Could this happen here?

An MI7 analyst who cannot be named for security reasons had this to offer. “Having put the image through very detailed analysis I can confirm that as it stands, the space station is in a dormant state, and has been for some time. We can see the surface structure has accreted a layer of dust and ice, with some minor visible cratering, however the super-structure seems sound, and the station as a whole looks intact and functional - indeed were there any problems with the stations core reactor, we would not have expected to see the superstructure as complete as we do in the Cassini images. It is this departments concern that this fully armed and possibly operational battle station could easily fall into the wrong hands. From it’s current position, it would be capable of reigning down Armageddon on this planet within 100 minutes of being brought back on line.”.

But security worries don’t end there – one unanswered question which is getting everyone hot under the collar is “what happened to those onboard?”. Are they still on board? Or do they walk amongst us here on Earth? The head of MI7 had the following sobering thought, “From the historical evidence we have, the Death Star was commissioned by one of the most evil men in history, known to some as Emperor Palpatine and to his inner circle as Darth Sidious. It’s quite conceivable to us he was onboard the Mimas Death Star when it travelled to our Solar System.”

“If this is the case, it’s quite likely he is at large at this moment. We have the following picture from our past records which shows how he used to appear on the left, and we have been able to build up on the right an e-fit of how Palpatine might currently appear. We are working with InterPol, MI6 and the CIA to make him one of the World’s Most Wanted. It is vitally important this man is kept away from the armed forces, as our records have shown him to us the military as the key players in any attempt for power.”

Left: The mysterious Emperor Palpatine. Right: E-fit of his current appearance

Sobering thoughts, but not everyone is convinced. “It’s a load of crap”, claims conspiracy nut Guy Chamberlain, “the Government is only releasing this now to take the heat off the some of the activities of cabinet members. People should check out http://www.astrobio.net/news/article1101.html to find out the truth”.


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