Mars: More NASA lies?

NASA's new Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter has returned it’s first pictures from the Red Planet, only for the NASA propaganda machine to spin into it’s usual prepared stories.

The official story on the picture above from the official NASA website is that we are looking at a canyon structure in the southern highlands of the planet.

However, subject the picture to magnification under Photoshop, and the real truth comes out. That’s exactly what Dr Stan Hardy, lecturer of planetary geology at the University of Ipswich did, and got the surprise of his life.


“I was amazed at what I saw! At first glance I thought I was looking at the fabled Canals of Mars. But then I was reminded of something.

“A few years ago myself and a colleague had to fly to France in a chartered plane. We had to fly over the M3 – M27 interchange, and in the lanes of traffic, I saw the same series of grooved lines from above. Add to this the sharp meeting of the two supposed “canyons” which the local geographic model does not support, and this points to this being an artificially built system of roads. There is even evidence of roundabout systems in the near vicinity!

“The picture this builds is a revolutionary one. And answers a question astronomers have been asking for centuries. No, there seems to be no evidence of life on Mars today. But yes, there did once exist intelligent life forms on the planet, and they were responsible for building this remarkable road scheme probably before our ancestors on Earth had learned to wield a spear.”

NASA officials today refused to comment on the discovery by Dr Hardy – although this is nothing new. In the ‘70s, the Viking missions discovered the “Face on Mars” structure which NASA quickly dismissed as a natural phenomenon and not conclusive proof of intelligent life on Mars …


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The Crow Wonders: Midget Porn ...

I read this article during the week from the BBC news site.

Newsagents are going to move so called "lads mags" such as Loaded, Nuts and Zoo onto higher shelves because of their sexual content.

This has got me wondering. I know (just don't ask me how I know) that there is a whole genre of porn called "midget porn". What I'd like to know is does such material belong on the top shelf?


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1984: Space

1984 ... it seemed a year when anything and everything was possible. Computers had arrived and were appearing everywhere. And the year seemed to contain one after another Space Shuttle missions. Technology, it seemed, was hitting it's stride ...

In all there were almost half a dozen flights this year in the Discovery and Challenger shuttles. Not bad for a launch vehicle which had it’s maiden voyage just a few years previously. NASA firsts included the first use of a jetpack for a space launch, first repair of a satellite in-space, and first retrieval of a satellite which was brought back to Earth. Oh yes, and growing crystals in zero-gravity – send a man into space and just try to stop them from growing crystals in zero-g (or more accurately microgravity) …

On the more sinister side of things, one shuttle was “shot” by a laser used from the Russian base Sary Shagan to track it – the crew reported discomfort, and a complaint lodged by NASA. And almost unnoticed, NASA contractors begin to suspect there was a problem with the solid rocket boosters – a problem which in 1986 would cause the loss of the crew in Challenger disaster.

But in the present of 1984, it was an optimistic age – well as optimistic as a society under threat of nuclear war could be. Technology was mankind’s friend, and nothing could go wrong. Computers seemed infallible. And nowhere did this trust in technology as a saviour seem more apparent than in President Reagan’s Strategic Defence Initiative or “Star Wars” program which aimed to have a chain of satellites armed with lasers as a defensive umbrella for America against nuclear missiles.

About this time I caught the bug trying to become a science fiction writer, inspired in equal measures by Star Trek, Arthur C. Clarke and a general love of technology. The exercise books I filled and still have give an insight into the mind of a teen geek from the era ...

• the Zeko (because to be sci-fi, names have to begin with a “Z”) is the main ship of Earth’s defence fleet, powered as it is by safe, clean nuclear energy (erm … okay)
• the enemy of Earth was a group called the Zurg (again with the “Z”) who were a group of robots (nothing like the Cylons of course) and robots have nothing better to do with their existence except destroy all humans
• the ship has a powerful supercomputer descended from the ZX Spectrum (no – I’m not making this up)
• the ship is the size of a small moon (but it’s a battlestation!)
• the ship contains a small army of maintenance robots, also built by the Sinclair corporation (I know I should update it to Amstrad these days)
• the ship contained an array of Kate Platts clones (she was the Abbot Beyne pin up girl – the school’s super-athletic Wonder Woman) ... before you ask, if I had pictures of her I'd be posting them!

It should be said though that this final idea seems an early precursor to something used regarding in the new Battlestar Galactica’s Boomer who is played by Grace Park (who bears more than a passing resemblance to Kate Platts). It was revealed at the end of season one that Cylon motherships carry a large number of naked Boomer clones. WHY? Maybe those Cylons just cannot get enough of those Asian babes? I should be angry they stole my idea, but I myself am just pleased to see an adolescent fantasy brought to life in some way …

My current writing project is about an orphaned boy who finds out he is really a wizard … nevermind I’ll go back to the drawing board …


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1984: Nuclear war

The closest the world came to nuclear war was of course during the Cuban missile crisis. However growing up in the 1980s there was a constant dread about it, a feeling it was terribly inevitable and terribly final.

For a boy growing up in Britain it did not look to great, the UK contained many missile bases, some controlled by the US. Modern nuclear warheads of the time were such that a single warhead would have wiped out most of the country in a single stroke. It’s no surprise that in such an environment of optimism, gloomy band the Smiths dominated the Indie charts who’s typical songs were on the lines of boy meets girl, they fall in love, they run away together in a car, only to then be killed by a head-on collision with a lorry.

But school was no escape – the teachers of my school, Abbot Beyne, decided to teach us the futility of nuclear confrontation, and generally scare us all out of our wits by making the BBC drama Threads compulsory viewing.

Threads, for those of you lucky enough not to have seen is not an 1980s fashion program. Instead, it tells the story of a nuclear attack on Sheffield, and how most of a family die in the aftermath and society falls apart. So pretty much the early forerunner to the modern soap opera really. If you’ve ever watched and enjoyed Threads, you might also want to check out When The Wind Blows, which is kind of like Disney on Plutonium!

[I have actually lived in Sheffield for 4 years, and can confirm there are areas which make you suspect a nuclear bomb actually was dropped on the city and subsequently hushed up]

The Crow has since learned to stop worrying ...



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Police investigate possible abuse at Wayne Manor

Officers today used a warrant to enter the home of 45-year-old businessman Bruce Wayne, which is located on the outskirts of Gotham.

A lawyer, speaking on behalf of Mr Wayne, said the search was connected to sexual abuse allegations brought by a 12-year-old boy. But a publicist for Wayne Tech later would only state that Mr Wayne - who was not at home - had no idea what the search was about, and promised full co-operation.

Authorities in Gotham did not give reasons for the search, saying only it was part of a criminal investigation.

"At 8.30 am (1630GMT) the officers from Gothams police department and district attorney's office executed a search warrant at the Wayne manor in connection with a criminal matter," read police commissioner Jim Gordon from a prepared statement.

But Mr Gordon did confirm that it involved an allegation of sexual molestation.

"The search warrant indicates there is an accusation of abuse on a 12-year-old boy,” he said.

He added that the warrant indicated that the investigation had been going on for two months.

Those close to Mr Wayne believe the allegations could revolve around a young boy who has recently been made a ward of Mr Wayne after the tragic death of his parents in a circus accident. “Fellow pupils of the boy have come forward to the authorities after noticing the unusual number of injuries the boy has sustained recently” said district attorney Harvey Dent. “These have included bruises and rope burns around the wrists and feet of a possible sexual nature. As a precautionary measure we have removed the boy from this environment and taken him into care. Mr Wayne will be helping the police with their inquiries, but I would like to emphasise he has not been charged with any offence at this time”.

The investigation continues …


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James Blunt – a disgrace to the British Army

Ex-British army-captain-turned-singer, James Blunt has come under fire from a top ranking army officer.

“He’s an absolute disgrace”, claims General Keats, “The man is very talented poetically and indeed, obviously a very sensitive individual. However as an ex-soldier his duty is to this country, which is engaged in a very costly conflict over in Iraq.

“The British army has a very fine and noble tradition of finding a place for such poets in times of war – usually the front line, without a flak jacket, attempting to take out a heavily fortified machine gun post.”

General Keats, leading officer of the 501st Poets went further, “In the days of World War One, the country expected its poets to lay down their life in pointless sacrifice. Some see it as a cull, however I myself see there a poetic merit in their tragic early demise.

“Indeed it has now become something which our country expects! There’s quite a funny story of how in the Battle of the Somme our fellow soldiers in the 503rd Critics opened fire on us rather than hear another poem about life in the trenches. However time has shown the joke was on them, as when you think of the First World War, you think of poems written by men like Captain John Anon or Sgt Mark Unknown, two of the most well recognised names in poetry.”

General Keats has recently released a book titled “War’s A Horrid Thing: The Tale Of Prose And Sacrifice By The Men Of The Queen’s 501st Poets”.


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1984: Girls ...

Following on from the last entry, which was a love-letter to Sir Clive Sinclair's not forgotten wonder machine the ZX Spectrum comes another important event of 1984.

Yes 1984 was the year the Crow discovered girls! Somehow until then it was as if half the members of his school wore cloaking devices. But this was the year they became decloaked ... alas metaphorical rather than physically.

In nature a male animal will often try and ensnare a female mate by demonstrating his prowess, talents and abilities…

However by a cruel twist of fate, the Crow was convinced that in much the same way he could woo his object of affection by demonstrating to them his superior knowledge of computers, science and technology. Needless to say this was not a good year for dating!

The Crow would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the following,

• Heather Fearing – I would like to apologise for asking you out on a date to see Arthur C. Clarke’s 2010. Of course I was so insensitive, and should have suggested you come over to see 2001: A Space Odyssey first!
• Claire Fryer and Rebecca Gostelow – did I really try to prove to you how groovy I was by telling you all the details of the latest NASA mission? I guess I just thought the pair of you were out of this world. Although to be fair, Rebecca did hail from the far away and exotic sounding Ashby de la Zouch (probably found on the French Riviera somwhere, I really should Google map it sometime) ...
  
• Emma Harrison – it took me until 1992 to figure out your request about me inserting my 6 inches into your slot was NOT regarding a floppy disk drive problem. Has the offer expired?

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Does your plumbing need sorting?

The BBC's Watchdog seems to contain articles on a regular basis about the dangers of rogue tradesmen, and how they can leave customers overcharged for poor, shoddy work.

Having seen today's copy of the Sun though, or more specifically Page 3 (belonging to a work colleague you understand), the two girls above are seen posing as plumbers. I would add in the girl's favour that neither is particularly unsightly, or indeed showing your typical plumber/builder cleavage.

But is either girl CORGI certified? That's what the Crow's inquiring mind needs to know!

Taking inspiration from fellow blogger Guido Fawkes, the Crow decided to do a little investigation of his own …

-------------------------------------------------

From: "WhiteCrowUK" <whitecrowuk@inbox.com>

Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 10:44 PM

Subject: Today's Page 3

I found today’s Page 3 picture of Ruth and Zoe very interesting, with the two girls kitted out in plumbing uniforms.

There are many cautionary tales these days about regarding cowboys (and cowgirls) who are pretending to be plumbers.

Can you confirm for my blog that the girls pictured are fully CORGI certified? And is this a line of business either will be pursuing after their modelling career - after all I hear dishy Donna Ewen is a London cabbie these days ...

Regards,

The Crow

-------------------------------------------------

The Crow supposes it’s out of the question to ask if they make house calls? Well they probably do but their call out charge is outrageous. Just like real plumbers!


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1984: The ZX Spectrum

Although 1984 wasn't the year the Sinclair ZX Spectrum came out, it is very difficult for me to mention the '80s and not mention the Spectrum. Yes, the Spectrum seemed to have that much of an impact.

The ZX Spectrum did help to revolutionise the home computing market, and was the Crow’s first foray into computing and software. When men of a certain generation gather in numbers to talk about “in my day we used to make our own entertainment”, they certainly cover the gamers of the 1980s. There were magazines and books a-plenty in this era encouraging the young software engineer to design and code his own games, oh the fun to be had inserting hundreds of lines of code only to spend even longer looking for the line of code which caused it to crash. Debugging 101!

Over in the USSR illicit networks had been forged in these cold war days to exchange ideas of political and religious freedom. Here in the UK it was all about illicitly exchanging pirated Jetpack, The Hobbit and Jet Set Willy in the school playground!

Because of the ease of programming these machines new games were easy to make, often requiring just a single developer (compare that with the cast list for the latest Final Fantasy game). The result of this is that people remember this as a kind of golden age of gaming and for good reason – people were able to realise new ideas for games, and develop them quickly and with little cost. This meant there was a huge spectrum (excuse the pun) of games to choose from, compare that with current games development where focus groups force new games into set genres – “first person shooter”, “platform”, “driving simulator” …

Anyone who ever played Dictator on the ZX Spectrum - where you ran a country trying to keep different groups at each others throats, kept strong groups allied to you, and played the Russians and Americans against each other - will know this game has never been emulated or equalled in its’ gameplay.

But it wasn’t all fun – games came for the ZX Spectrum on tape only in these days. This was a slow business, finding the right load position on a tape, and then waiting the 5-10 minutes for the machine to load up. Anyone from this era can hum along here to the sound of a loading spectrum (sounds eerily like the sound of dialup, itself a sound of a bygone era).

Its’ main competitor was the Commodore Vic 20 and Commodore 64 machines. But there is something fundamentally British to enjoy about the Spectrum, like the Mini car a kind of quality where its’ limitations gave it a form of character. The rubber keyboard was unique amongst computers of its era, which on the whole used keyboards not too dissimilar to the modern day ones. The sound was a kind of naff beeping through a tiny speaker compared to channelled through the TV. At a maximum of 48k, it didn’t have the largest memory. And the lack of cartage loading or floppy disk drives available for the Commodore had left Spectrum users loading by tape.

And yet the ZX Spectrum is somehow one of the best loved computers of all time, somehow in the minds of those who owner them these flaws turned somehow into indicators of the character of the machine. Other, arguably better machines tried to run against it like the Oracle, the Dragon 32 and the Acorn, but were buried by it.

A measure of the enduring popularity of the machine? Just go into www.ebay.co.uk, and enter “ZX Spectrum” into the search window, and find out how many working Spectrums are still out there for sale!

In 1984 Sir Clive Sinclair the inventor of the Spectrum seemed to have ushered in a golden age of computing and technology for Britain. Alas, the C5 and the QL were just around the corner…

You can look for ZX Spectrum emulators here!


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Downing Street cat Humphrey dies

Humphrey, the Downing Street cat who was taken in by Margaret Thatcher, but made homeless by Cherie and Tony Blair (oh the irony) has died.

A former worker has commented, "With Humphrey's absence the vermin have really taken Number 10".

The Crow couldn't possibly comment … however you can find out more about feline shenanigans at Downing Street here.


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