The Moustache: The ‘tache through the history books …

There is much debate regarding revisionist history. But that was all you got from the history text books at Abbot Beyne school.

Yes, there is much childhood frivolity to be gained by drawing moustaches and glasses on the men and women pictured in history text books. It took the Crow many years to realise that Trotsky really did look like that!

This seems to be one historical treatment though where Hitler and Stalin came off lightly (they already had silly moustaches to start with).

So in celebration of this important rebellious and creative period of every boys life, the Crow presents his very own art gallery …





All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The Moustache: The ‘tache of evil …

The whiskers on many animals such as otters and cats provide the animal with a great deal of extra information - about air movement, air pressure and acting as “feelers” around their face.

But the sensitivity of the whisker doesn't stop there. In early radios, Cat’s whiskers were used to aid tuning into radiowaves.

I’ve been told from a friend who is in the know about a couple "secret beliefs" of a certain world-wide cult. I will not mention the name of the particular cult, as they have a nasty habit of suing people who give away too much. Suffice it to say that one of their core beliefs is that the hairs on the human body are not natural, but a kind of alien parasitic host.

This same cult also believes an extra-terrestrial demon is trapped in a force field under a volcano, and he is sending out psychic control signals of evil to the people of the world, perverting them from their inherent good nature.

Putting these two core beliefs together with what we know about whiskers in other mammals, it therefore makes sense that these psychic signals of evil would have greater effect to people with moustaches. The hairs in the moustache, as they lie on an area of the body with a high concentration of touch receptors would be extra-sensitive to the "vibes of evil" in the same way that the whiskers on the face of a cat are more sensitive than hairs on other parts of its body.

In layman's terms, men with moustaches would be more evil than those without.

Nice theory – but is it true? We have a wealth of human history to explore and put it to the test …

Adolf Hitler – Leader of Nazi Germany who oversaw the oppression and extermination of those he felt were inferior. Evil. Moustached.

Joseph Stalin – Communist and butcher. He led Russia in the fight against Nazi Germany, but is probably personally responsible for the deaths of more Russians than the Nazis in his purges. Evil. Moustached.

Augusto Pinochet – dictator of Chile, responsible for many dissidents “disappearing”. Evil. Moustached.

Can you believe I almost forgot our old friend Saddam Hussain – dictator of Iraq, used chemical weapons first on Iranians, then on his own people. Evil. Moustached.

The bottom line is history has produced more moustached dictators than any other sort. Coincidence? I think not.

So next time you get to exercise your vote, vote for the clean shaven candidate if you value your liberty …


All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The Moustache: The Magnum P.I. delusion

Magnum P.I. staring Tom Selleck appeared on our T.V. screens between 1980 and 1988.

It had the glamorous backdrop of Hawaii and was helped by the fact that moustached Tom Selleck at 6’4”, muscular, with flowing chest hair, was and still is what most women around the world would describe as “a hunk”.

The problem is a lot of men around the world ever since have thought they could emulate his sexual charisma simply by growing a moustache and wearing a collection of awful Hawaiian shirts.

As a public service, the Crow would like to set the record straight. If you are trying to pull the girls with your moustache and Hawaiian shirt, the chances are people will think you look more like the Simpsons Ned Flanders …



All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The Moustache: From the Army to in the Navy ...

In the 19th Century, soldiers in the British army were forbidden from shaving their upper lip until 1916 … although considering 1916 was in the middle of the 1914-18 First World War – smack bang in the middle of one of the bloodiest conflicts of the 20th Century - you would think that the British Army had rather more to worry about than the shaving habits of it’s men!

However, with the moustache so heavily embedded in it's ideology of it's fighting forces, it's little wonder that when Britain stepped up it’s recruiting campaign to send young men to a pointless death in the finest traditions of the British Army, super-moustached cover boy Lord Kitchener became an icon in a series of posters ...


However this would not be the last appearance of the moustache in a recruitment drive for the armed forces! As in the 1980s, heavily moustached gay icons the Village People released their recruitment-friendly song “In the Navy” into the charts ….

Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Learn science technology
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea
Where can you learn to fly
Play in sports or skin dive
Study oceanography
Sign up for the big band
Or sit in the grandstand
When your team and others meet

In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on now, people, make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand
In the navy
Come on, protect the motherland
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people, and make a stand
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit

If you like adventure
Don't you wait to enter
The recruiting office fast
Don't you hesitate
There is no need to wait
They're signing up new seamen fast
Maybe you are too young
To join up today
But don't you worry 'bout a thing
For I'm sure there will be
Always a good navy
Protecting the land and sea

In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on now people, make a stand
In the navy, in the navy
Can't you see we need a hand
In the navy
Come on, protect the motherland
In the navy
Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy
Come on people, and make a stand
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)

They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit

Who me?

They want you, they want you
They want you as a new recruit

But, but, but I'm afraid of water.
Hey, hey look
Man, I get seasick even watchin' it on TV!

They want you, they want you in the navy

Oh my goodness.
What am I gonna do in a submarine?

They want you, they want you in the navy

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Famous Moustaches Through History …

moustache: an outgrowth of hair above the upper lip

Leaving the topic of 1984 behind us, the Crow will be looking into famous moustaches, and the people who wore them …


All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Tiberius’s internet …

Today saw a partial eclipse of the Sun over Britain. In honour of this event (though it was somewhat unimpressive) the Crow went looking on the Internet for links to do with the Sun (no – not the paper with the naked girls in it, but I’ll pencil that in for later). On my search I found this interesting article from Wikipedia on the heliograph …

A heliograph uses a mirror to reflect sunlight to a distant observer. By moving the mirror the distant observer sees flashes of light that can be used to send a prearranged signalling code.
The unpopular Roman emperor Tiberius used a heliograph to rule the Empire from a villa on the island of Capri - sending orders each day to the mainland, eight miles away.

If true, this probably makes Tiberius the first example of the kind of home worker we get all the time in the days of the Internet, and probably the first boss who tried to control their global interests from a place of relative luxury a good distance from where actual events were happening.

The Crow has worked for a number of multi-national companies, where the CEOs in an attempt to boost moral and “get down with the common worker" would send weekly messages to the whole corporation - telling them about how the company was doing better than ever, beating the competition, just don’t expect a pay rise soon. In fact it was once suggested in such an email that our companies strict dress code of black suits which looked straight out of an undertakers was because we were going to “bury our competition”.

Alas none of these messages from Emperor Tiberius survive, however taking the messages received from our modern day Caesers of capitalism and applying some reverse engineering …

"As I sit here in my island villa overlooking you all across 8 miles of water ….. I want you to know how unconcerned I am about the rumours of Hannibal and his Carthaginian army marching towards Rome …..

"I know many say the Roman Empire is in decline, that it has had it's day ….

"But I say we’re seeing growth in our Empire for the first time this years, our rollout across the Empire of slave labour markets have reduced employment costs by as much as 35%, and that our army is the finest ….. Anyone who is caught saying otherwise will be crucified.

"Love and hugs, Emperor T."

[The more history conscious of you might want to point out Hannibal was several hundred years before Tiberius - but hush!!!]


All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Trojans …

According to Greek myth, the Trojan War began when Paris of Troy kidnapped Helen of Sparta taking her back to the walled city of Troy.

The Greeks launched a fleet against Troy to wage war and break the city. However the Trojans took refuge behind their walls, leaving the Greek army to lay siege to the city for 10 years in a hopeless stalemate. Then one morning the Trojans looked out to see the Greek army gone. It seemed that the Greeks had given up, leaving behind a great wooden horse as a tribute to the people of Troy who they could not vanquish.

The people of Troy rejoiced, and brought the horse into their city, beginning a cycle of feasting and celebration. Of course it was one of the greatest military deceptions of all time, and that night, with the defenders of Troy drunk and their guard down, the horse split open, releasing a hoard of Greek soldiers who opened the city gates, allowing the full Greek army access to the city, ravaging the city and it’s people.

The story of Troy then is a cautionary one about the failure of defences. A warning about opening your gates, and letting something through which might release mayhem past your defences ...

Thus in most of the world, the word Trojan is synonymous with something which infiltrates defences – a good example being the Trojan dialer virus, which gets past a computers security for dial up modems, then dials a premium rate number.

The exception to this of course is of course in America, where Trojans are one of the number one makers of condoms. Oh the irony …


All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

The Hate Bug …

Herbie: Fully Loaded was last year’s summer smash hit movie for Herbie the loveable Volkswagen Beetle. Until now, ask any Disney executive to name all the movies he appeared in, and they will list “The Love Bug”, “Herbie Rides Again”, “Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo”, “Herbie Goes Bananas” and “Herbie: Fully Loaded”.

"Herbie is wholesome American fun for all the family." That’s the official line. But like NASA space pioneer Wernher von Braun there is a dark history behind the beloved icon ...

The Volkswagen Beetle was based on a design by Adolf Hitler of a car "for the people". It was to be affordable to the common German, capable of speeds up to 60 m.p.h. and able to carry a typical German family.

To sell the idea of the car to the German public, propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels orchestrated a newsreel of Hitler receiving one of the early prototypes of the VW Beetle at his retreat in Bavaria. Eva Braun fell in love with if immediately, saying it's headlights reminded her of the sad droopy eyes of her uncle Herbie. Goebbels loved the name, as it gave the car a human touch which would sell to the German people, and used it in the title “Herbie geht zu Nuremberg” (trans. “Herbie goes to Nuremburg").

No complete reels of the film have survived the war, however below are some stills the Crow has been able to locate. The general theme was how Germany was leading the world in it’s technology, and how thanks to the Third Reich every German citizen was now being offered ownership of a car at affordable prices, the rest of the film shows the Hitlers receiving one of the first models, and driving it to that years Nuremberg Rally. This of course was a lie, because although behind the conception of the car, and very enthusiastic about it in public, privately Hitler preferred using his Mercedes Benz for such journeys.



It seems though in 1969, when Disney were creating their first movie, the Love Bug, that the nickname of “Herbie” for the car had remained. There are rumours this was because one of the engineers who worked on the film was a German immigrant who had worked on the Goebbels film thirty years previously, and suggested the name to the director, not telling them it’s true history ….

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...

Oh the hypocrisy …

The Amish way of life is typically to shun modern ways and embrace a simpler and more spiritual way of life. Theirs is a lifestyle free of technology, cars and computers …

So how come so many of them have their own websites?

http://www.amish.com/
http://www.amish.net/
http://www.amishexperience.com/
http://www.amishnews.com/
http://www.amishcenter.com/

All material copyrighted as bullsh*t ...